It has been over one month since I have written. I have been busy and have chosen to blog about political issues in my neighborhood. It has gotten some attention and I have been taking my own advice and doing that which I have enjoyed. If you have been following and looking to me for thoughts, I am sorry (but at this point, I have not noticed anyone commenting, so I have no idea if anyone is reading these posts).
Otherwise, the month of July 2009 has come and gone and we are now in August. While this is trite, the month has been good and it has been bad. But the good news is 1) we made it through the month, 2) the good times were enjoyed for the most part, and 3) we got through the bad moments.
I still feel somewhat cheated that I really did not get to enjoy the summer. I have only grilled out twice, whereas I usually grill out every weekend. We did not get to go on the summer trip I wanted to go on to show my family where I was raised. The kids go back to school next week.
My wife's illness has been the major issue we did not go on vacation. She is getting better, but at the beginning of July, things seemed like they were not improving at that time. Now she is back to more of her old self. I am hoping that this VP Shunt works this time. Our major problem is her energy level and she can barely get through the grocery store.
If we get to go anywhere, such as my grandmother's funeral (she turned 99 last week and seems in good health, but she at that age could still go), it will be me going alone as my wife is not going to be able to tolerate the road trip. Overall, we were stuck at home but we did get to use the new "Sprayground" at our neighborhood park.
I have also been extremely busy with work as I am short one person (whose position the organization will not fill due to "economic conditions"), and our patient load has picked back up. I had brought work home much of the month. There was no room to take any more time off for me and my family. Yeah, I have the vacation time, but there is no room for me to take it given being short on staffing. Furthermore, if I do take the time off, my wife is not physically capable of going anywhere for any long period of time. I am trying to use my self-talk that this is life and that I need to accept it.
One of our cars had the "service engine soon" light come on again this week and it is running rough. I need to get that serviced, and it will mean the credit card. More credit card debt for something that is not foolish or extravagant really stinks.
Of course thinking about the summer vacations I was supposed to have taken my family on by this time in life is also depressing me. My salary (while decent for most standards) pays the bills and there is little discretionary income left over. It got worse when my organization declared without telling me that my son's antihemophilia medication is now a "Class 4" medication subject to a $200 co-pay. My wife's hospital bills will mean me paying them into Christmas because the neurosurgeon, and the two hospitals all have a $500 co-pay. Yeah, I have my Ph.D., but when do I get to take my kids to Disneyworld and Yellowstone Park?
Okay, so I try to look outward beyond myself. I do have a job. I am keeping the bills paid and I make a little more than the minimums. I know a guy from church who is an accountant and he has been unemployed since January--I tell myself that it could be worse.
My parents came for 11 days. They brought their new dog, a seven-year-old Brittany Spaniel named Coco. He turned out to be like a third child to me whom I greatly enjoyed. It was kind of cool too as I walked through the neighborhood with him, people would ask me what kind of dog he is? Brittany Spaniels are not common in Louisville. Otherwise, I had some good conversations with my mother and they helped out around the house while my wife continued to recover.
Taking everything into account, we did get some meaningful help and not those casseroles that only I would be eating. The people from my office and from church gave us some gift cards and some other simple foods that my kids would eat. While there were many evenings in late June and early July where I felt pretty drained from working like a fiend all day in the frying pain and then jumping into the fire with my wife and kids, people did help us and that was good. It was not all bad.
I go back to thinking that the summer is almost over. It was not always comfortable, and I am clearly not where I want to be, but we made it through. We were not entirely alone. I have made decisions day by day and week by week. I kept my priorities in mind, prayed frequently in both need and in praise, and made reasonable decisions. We had our daily bread every day.
We kept it together. We are keeping it together now.
I have worked hard to avoid the "What if" catastrophic thinking that keeps many people up at night. Being prepared does not require one to constantly dwell on the worst case scenario. We will most likely keep it together in the future. I am keeping hope that the bad times pass even when you're still going through them--it happens one day at a time.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
A melancholy mid-summer
When the times are hard, it is hard to enjoy the summer. I had looked forward to the summer where I could wear shorts when I am not at work or church and I could go without socks. Yeah, I can do those things, but I am not enjoying this summer. In thinking through it I have discovered how my perspective can get out of whack.
I felt a profound sense of melancholy as I was walking through a Target store yesterday with my son. The patio furniture section was practically cleared out with only one or two pieces on clearance. It was now full of 'back-to-school' merchandise (school supplies). The store also had school uniforms in several places. To me that was right up there with the Christmas merchandise being put out the third week of October before Halloween even happens.
As we were going through the store, My son and I were also talking about the plans I have had. We were going to go fishing. We were going to go camping. We still have not gone to Disneyworld as we have been talking about for years.
I thought that my life is wasting away. I need to get off my butt and get somewhere. We need to do something to live life.
I thought then that I have been just like my mother. I have been spending all my energy at work with nothing for me and the family on the weekends. I have spent my weekends recovering.
I asked myself: what have I been doing all this time? Why was I not where I wanted to be?
It took me until I was driving out of the parking lot to remember that my wife had been in the hospital and was still recovering from brain surgery. I then remembered that I have had to hold things together at home. I then remembered that I have spent the last seven years getting a Ph.D.
Yeah, I realized that I need to get somewhere during the evenings to figure out how to set up the fishing lines, but overall, sometimes you can get too stuck in the now and forget the rest of the story. We start to think "I always . . . or I never . . ." but it is not the real story. Many of us can forget everything that has happened. We as human beings can forget our humanity and that we can only take so much . . . we are not perfect.
I am about to figure how much I can take of my in-laws now who just walked through the door.
I felt a profound sense of melancholy as I was walking through a Target store yesterday with my son. The patio furniture section was practically cleared out with only one or two pieces on clearance. It was now full of 'back-to-school' merchandise (school supplies). The store also had school uniforms in several places. To me that was right up there with the Christmas merchandise being put out the third week of October before Halloween even happens.
As we were going through the store, My son and I were also talking about the plans I have had. We were going to go fishing. We were going to go camping. We still have not gone to Disneyworld as we have been talking about for years.
I thought that my life is wasting away. I need to get off my butt and get somewhere. We need to do something to live life.
I thought then that I have been just like my mother. I have been spending all my energy at work with nothing for me and the family on the weekends. I have spent my weekends recovering.
I asked myself: what have I been doing all this time? Why was I not where I wanted to be?
It took me until I was driving out of the parking lot to remember that my wife had been in the hospital and was still recovering from brain surgery. I then remembered that I have had to hold things together at home. I then remembered that I have spent the last seven years getting a Ph.D.
Yeah, I realized that I need to get somewhere during the evenings to figure out how to set up the fishing lines, but overall, sometimes you can get too stuck in the now and forget the rest of the story. We start to think "I always . . . or I never . . ." but it is not the real story. Many of us can forget everything that has happened. We as human beings can forget our humanity and that we can only take so much . . . we are not perfect.
I am about to figure how much I can take of my in-laws now who just walked through the door.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Birthdays suck even more when your wife is in the hospital.
I have tried to be mature about birthdays rarely meeting my expectations. Things are supposed be different after you get an earned doctorate . . . well they are not. But even today . . . the day after my birthday I still feel the depression that comes with my birthday.
I admit that I sound rather juvenile to myself today, and I may to you. But then this is my blog, and if I feel the same way, I figure that others also feel the same way.Yeah, it is supposed to be a day where you mark the passing of another year of life.
Okay, being 44 does not bother me—I have lived two years longer so far than Elvis. I have hated birthdays because I have rarely got what I wanted: parties. At age 44, I am way beyond toys; I just wanted the people around me where I am locally to show that they care--it is called sympathy and respect.
Like many people I blame my parents for the childhood stuff. Mom was always chasing the ghost of self-worth. Mom was working all the time, showing everyone what a hard worker she was. She spent all her energy on her self-worth versus putting it into us kids. She will still rationalize that it was for us kids to go to college, but it still doesn’t wash and there is no discussion with her. It also sucked that it was never my birthday during school. Dad had to move us out to the country where there were no other kids around to play with or come to parties. There were only two birthday parties I remember as a kid.
Part of me is saying at this point, “Is your head up your butt?” Your wife is in the hospital with a serious medical condition and you’re pouting over no one remembering your birthday?
Well, today marks one week of my wife being in the hospital. What was a stomach ache one week ago Thursday (6/4/09) kept going and proved to be a shunt failure Saturday morning in the E.R. and a shunt replacement (brain surgery) Sunday night with her head getting half-shaved.
My wife was stepped down to an acute rehab facility on Thursday. My 6-year-old reminded my 9-year-old that it was my birthday and my 9-year-old wished me a happy birthday. My mother called me early in the morning to wish me happy birthday. She regressed yesterday and did not remember it was my birthday yesterday until late yesterday.
My birthday gift was watching her suffer from further pressure on the brain and a fear that she was going to have to have the shunt replaced again or perhaps even dying on my birthday. When her condition improved later in the day she remembered it was my birthday from my kids prompting and apologized for not remembering it--her I gave some slack--she is truly out of it. But I did not want my wife dying on my birthday--then it would really suck for the rest of my life.
Yeah, I bought a birthday cake last night because my 6-year-old asked about it--it was the $18.99 triple chocolate one from the refrigerated case--it was fair but not very good. My son did not get a piece of it because of his tantrum at a church miniature golf outing.
My one gift to myself was a quick-pick powerball ticket, maybe I will become an instant millionaire and be able to pay the large hospital bills that are coming my way.
The check last week and the phone call yesterday morning from mother were cheap consolation. The stingy birthday card written my airhead aunt on behalf of her household was sadly insulting. The two, automatically generated e-mails and the one e-mail car from family where slightly pleasant but not at all soothing to my pain.
It was not a happy birthday and anyone telling me happy birthday would have been terribly obtuse.
What I would have liked.
I would have liked someone locally to say in person, Gee, I am sorry that your wife is in the hospital on your birthday. That must really suck.
The inner parent is trying tell my inner child that it is okay—you will make it. My inner parent is trying to tell my inner adolescent that this is life--your birthday is going to be another day sometimes. You are going to have days where there is not going to be the money and there are going to be more pressing events and issues.
I am not sure what else there is to say at this point. This is a day where I am making the best of it. I am basically seeing that my kids have what they need, I am otherwise subsisting today. The times are still hard. The times are particularly hard right now. I am trying to reframe that I should be glad that I still have my job, my boss understands my situation (which is rare) , I have the medical benefits to pay for most of the medical care, and I have what I need right now—even if it is awkward, lonely and painful.
Mind you I am trying to be thankful in my attitude. The reality is that even being thankful does not make everything feel perfect and happy. Pain is pain. God does not always relieve us of pain. He enables us to endure it.
Life sometimes is like being stranded in Palm Beach Florida. You would think that it should be nice, but it is one of the most driven, unfriendly places that has been ruined by being overbuilt by overly aggressive developers. There are lots of people but they are not paying attention to you. That is what most of us are experiencing anyway in this world.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Balance in the Midst of Drama.
It has been a few weeks since I last wrote about coping. I have had to do a bunch of it on my own. It has been drama at my office.
Being drug behind a 4x4 on a baja or off-road course
I have equated the experience of dealing with borderline personalities to be like being drug by an off-road 4x4 through an off-road or baja course.
I would like to be able to tell all of it, but the metaphor of the of baja course will have to suffice as there are too many bumps and curves to tell you the whole story. I will give just the highlights.
There was one moment where I almost got demoted. My boss was worried that I was spreading negativity about her because I was mad about her. She projected her behavior upon me—she is the one who spreads negativity. She called an immediate meeting with Human Resources and began interrogating me in from of the HR coordinator for the hospital. I talked better than my borderline personality boss and was able to distinguish myself from my boss. My boss was being immature, I was being mature and I held onto my position.
One of my departments has had two position cuts. One is an outright cut, and another position has been made contingent on patient population. It is difficult to tell whether my assistant vice president is making decisions to look good or whether she is taking orders to cut by a higher-level bean counter.
My narcissistic subordinate is being transferred to one of my old department. Someone quite and is moving on to a better job. He is moving because he believes he is saving his own job given the two cuts. He is only thinking about himself. On the one hand I think he is getting out of my hair, but he is also creating more work for me.
My hospital is going on probation again with the state. A psychiatric technician slapped a kid. As far as my information is accurate—people were fired. However, it was not enough to pacify the state. You heard it here fourth or fifth. It will probably get out into the local media in about one month.
My hospital has been cutting back since November. I figure someone high up is going to take the fall somewhere some how like they did back in September of last year. The hospital corporation wanted to cut back, and they cut back at the expense of the wrong things. Will they do right? We will see.
So what have I been doing to cope with it all?
1. Comfort eating and experimenting in the kitchen.
2. Talking to my friends
3. Praying a lot.
4. Being the adult.
5. Reading books.
6. Bike-riding
7. The Wii
8. Keeping my eyes open for other opportunities—avocational and career change
As you can tell I have been doing a multiple of things.
I have been reading the Four Agreements, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, and Emotional Intelligence. I have been learning to be more adult and more real. The Four Agreements has some good stuff, but it is rather new age.
I have been experimenting with a pineapple pound cake recipe. It is just about there. I now have to perfect the glaze. I have gained some weight.
My faith has been very important here. I have prayed for God’s open door to happen but for him to take care of us while we wait and hang on. I believe that God was with me when was dealing with the immature rants and raves of my boss about one month ago. I do not care who you are, you need God. I admit that intelligence alone does not save you. Faith is what you lean on when the problem is outside of your ability to solve because you do not have the power or you are waiting for a day in the future.
Bike riding has been good to let off some steam. I have enjoyed the boxing on my Wii. Physical exercise has its place.
Talking to my friends has been good. My main support group has been the guys at church. The have been great. I reconnected with a school mate from my Ph.D. studies and we shared our travails. Sometimes getting things off your chest is good too.
The job search has been dormant. I got invited to apply for a job in Georgia that will likely pay $9000 less than I make. They really could not tell me what the salary was, but only estimate. I have been advised to apply for it to test out the waters to see what it is all about. It could been the open door I have been looking for.
Find your mix
The economy has been tight. My budget is getting even tighter. Many people I know are experiencing leaner, tighter times. Salaries are being cut or increases are being withheld. The mix of things we do to pass the time under stress is up to each one of us. I look back on the past month of drama and I can say that while it was not perfect, I made it. I did what I had to do and I kept things going.
For those who are unemployed, there is the concern about having what you will need, and perhaps some will need to take jobs that were formerly below them to pay the bills. Besides the worry of finances, getting through this time of recession and stress is a matter of successfully passing the time.
Passing the time
Passing time is something that people do not like in general. Passing time is what people do when they are waiting. We are supposed to be on the edge of the wave and moving ahead with our life. But I have decided that in life there will be times of waiting where you are not moving ahead. They will not make sense and they will not be pleasant. If you are reading this, you are likely waiting for something bad to pass.
Passing time is inevitable for everyone. Passing time successfully and meaningfully is the challenge. Whether you are waiting one minute, one month, one year or several years, it is possible to wait with yourself and your values intact. I think that you will need to choose your mix of activities that will help you pass time in the midst of difficult circumstances.
When finances are tight, what you do to pass your time may need to be creative. Maybe you may need to think of a business you can start. Maybe you can start to read those books you have always wanted to read. Maybe you go check out that video on Calculus at your library and finally understand the Integral and Derivative. How you pass your time is going to be up to you, I suppose a good standard for passing your time is doing things that do not make you feel guilty or which you can look back and be satisfied that you did what you could and that was that.
Being drug behind a 4x4 on a baja or off-road course
I have equated the experience of dealing with borderline personalities to be like being drug by an off-road 4x4 through an off-road or baja course.
I would like to be able to tell all of it, but the metaphor of the of baja course will have to suffice as there are too many bumps and curves to tell you the whole story. I will give just the highlights.
There was one moment where I almost got demoted. My boss was worried that I was spreading negativity about her because I was mad about her. She projected her behavior upon me—she is the one who spreads negativity. She called an immediate meeting with Human Resources and began interrogating me in from of the HR coordinator for the hospital. I talked better than my borderline personality boss and was able to distinguish myself from my boss. My boss was being immature, I was being mature and I held onto my position.
One of my departments has had two position cuts. One is an outright cut, and another position has been made contingent on patient population. It is difficult to tell whether my assistant vice president is making decisions to look good or whether she is taking orders to cut by a higher-level bean counter.
My narcissistic subordinate is being transferred to one of my old department. Someone quite and is moving on to a better job. He is moving because he believes he is saving his own job given the two cuts. He is only thinking about himself. On the one hand I think he is getting out of my hair, but he is also creating more work for me.
My hospital is going on probation again with the state. A psychiatric technician slapped a kid. As far as my information is accurate—people were fired. However, it was not enough to pacify the state. You heard it here fourth or fifth. It will probably get out into the local media in about one month.
My hospital has been cutting back since November. I figure someone high up is going to take the fall somewhere some how like they did back in September of last year. The hospital corporation wanted to cut back, and they cut back at the expense of the wrong things. Will they do right? We will see.
So what have I been doing to cope with it all?
1. Comfort eating and experimenting in the kitchen.
2. Talking to my friends
3. Praying a lot.
4. Being the adult.
5. Reading books.
6. Bike-riding
7. The Wii
8. Keeping my eyes open for other opportunities—avocational and career change
As you can tell I have been doing a multiple of things.
I have been reading the Four Agreements, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, and Emotional Intelligence. I have been learning to be more adult and more real. The Four Agreements has some good stuff, but it is rather new age.
I have been experimenting with a pineapple pound cake recipe. It is just about there. I now have to perfect the glaze. I have gained some weight.
My faith has been very important here. I have prayed for God’s open door to happen but for him to take care of us while we wait and hang on. I believe that God was with me when was dealing with the immature rants and raves of my boss about one month ago. I do not care who you are, you need God. I admit that intelligence alone does not save you. Faith is what you lean on when the problem is outside of your ability to solve because you do not have the power or you are waiting for a day in the future.
Bike riding has been good to let off some steam. I have enjoyed the boxing on my Wii. Physical exercise has its place.
Talking to my friends has been good. My main support group has been the guys at church. The have been great. I reconnected with a school mate from my Ph.D. studies and we shared our travails. Sometimes getting things off your chest is good too.
The job search has been dormant. I got invited to apply for a job in Georgia that will likely pay $9000 less than I make. They really could not tell me what the salary was, but only estimate. I have been advised to apply for it to test out the waters to see what it is all about. It could been the open door I have been looking for.
Find your mix
The economy has been tight. My budget is getting even tighter. Many people I know are experiencing leaner, tighter times. Salaries are being cut or increases are being withheld. The mix of things we do to pass the time under stress is up to each one of us. I look back on the past month of drama and I can say that while it was not perfect, I made it. I did what I had to do and I kept things going.
For those who are unemployed, there is the concern about having what you will need, and perhaps some will need to take jobs that were formerly below them to pay the bills. Besides the worry of finances, getting through this time of recession and stress is a matter of successfully passing the time.
Passing the time
Passing time is something that people do not like in general. Passing time is what people do when they are waiting. We are supposed to be on the edge of the wave and moving ahead with our life. But I have decided that in life there will be times of waiting where you are not moving ahead. They will not make sense and they will not be pleasant. If you are reading this, you are likely waiting for something bad to pass.
Passing time is inevitable for everyone. Passing time successfully and meaningfully is the challenge. Whether you are waiting one minute, one month, one year or several years, it is possible to wait with yourself and your values intact. I think that you will need to choose your mix of activities that will help you pass time in the midst of difficult circumstances.
When finances are tight, what you do to pass your time may need to be creative. Maybe you may need to think of a business you can start. Maybe you can start to read those books you have always wanted to read. Maybe you go check out that video on Calculus at your library and finally understand the Integral and Derivative. How you pass your time is going to be up to you, I suppose a good standard for passing your time is doing things that do not make you feel guilty or which you can look back and be satisfied that you did what you could and that was that.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Setting Limits with your emotions
The past two weeks for me have been quite difficult. My boss has really stirred up some drama and I suffered, but then I learned. My plan is to set limits with my emotions.
I have made no bones that I work for a person with Borderline Personality. Borderlines act in terms of "Drama." They start it and keep it going.
With drama there is a triangle of interactions between three people. There is a perpetrator, a victim and a rescuer. The roles are interchangeable between the three people.
Within a triangle of drama there is emotion, childish anger, and indirect expression of feeling and an absence of direct problem-solving. To stop it, you must clearly state your emotion and act like an adult.
I have decided that there is no integrity in drama. I have decided one of the problems with borderline personalities is that they have no integrity and that they have no insight that they have a character defect that includes no integrity.
I have been noticing my boss make comments that put her in a victim role.
I have also been noticing comments that put her in a rescuer role.
I think in the recessionary times, we are more likely to let things slide. We are afraid to confront all the more as we are afraid of losing our jobs.
Without going into all of the detail of the past two weeks, I have been drug through the mud with my boss's drama.
I have to meet with her tomorrow. A major change is being made in one of my departments and the staff under me have a number of questions. She is acting like a victim when she really is the perpetrator.
My boss has made this repeated victim claim of being "jumped" in meetings when the staff ask good but tough questions. I made an effort to get the questions in writing first and I emailed them late Friday.
She wrote an e-mail response fairly quickly that indicated she was most bothered and that "We need to talk." She still feels jumped--borderlines do not like challenging questions--they can dish it but they cannot take it--again, they have no integrity, and as a result they create drama.
I will talk to her first thing Monday. She is likely going to make statements that make the staff look like perpetrators with all their questions, and that I am not rescuing her enough.
MY PLAN: I plan to put her emotion back on her.
I have decided to use an approach similar to Motivational Interviewing. In that I am going to repeat back to her what she says. If she says "I felt jumped in there, you should have backed me up in there." I am going to say something like "They jumped you" with a different inflection.
Then I will likely say "What is it about their questions that made you feel jumped?"
I have previously not said anything. The time has changed.
If she says, now I am made out to be the bad guy. I plan to say nothing, or at best, say "you feel you are the bad guy?"
I have decided that borderlines try to make others responsible for their emotions. I have learned lately through my time in the mud, that my borderline boss has been stating things only in feelings as to whether she is rescuing or she is a victim.
I expect this to be a very subtle approach and that this is the first line of defense. It is at best a Soft skill. It will be a lot of work, but I am going to have to start here. I do not think that she will have a clue what I am doing at first.
I think that it is tough enough coping with the economy as it is. I think that in this day and time we have to work on only owning our own feelings, and not those of someone else.
While we would like to empathize, many borderlines are willing to throw themselves out there as victims, depicting whether they are a victim of you or someone else. Things are not always safe out there.
For my boss, she needs to be responsible for her emotion. She probably never will be, she probably would die first. My plan is that I do not take responsibility for what she will not. Previously, I had gotten stirred by her emotion--it is time to start setting a limit--her emotion does not have to be my emotion.
I have made no bones that I work for a person with Borderline Personality. Borderlines act in terms of "Drama." They start it and keep it going.
With drama there is a triangle of interactions between three people. There is a perpetrator, a victim and a rescuer. The roles are interchangeable between the three people.
Within a triangle of drama there is emotion, childish anger, and indirect expression of feeling and an absence of direct problem-solving. To stop it, you must clearly state your emotion and act like an adult.
I have decided that there is no integrity in drama. I have decided one of the problems with borderline personalities is that they have no integrity and that they have no insight that they have a character defect that includes no integrity.
I have been noticing my boss make comments that put her in a victim role.
- "I felt like I was jumped in there. You need to be on my side."
- "Now I am being made to look like the bad guy."
- "Why is he doing this to me?"
I have also been noticing comments that put her in a rescuer role.
- "I am working hard to save this department."
- "This is causing me a lot of work to fix things."
- "This is the cutting edge."
I think in the recessionary times, we are more likely to let things slide. We are afraid to confront all the more as we are afraid of losing our jobs.
Without going into all of the detail of the past two weeks, I have been drug through the mud with my boss's drama.
I have to meet with her tomorrow. A major change is being made in one of my departments and the staff under me have a number of questions. She is acting like a victim when she really is the perpetrator.
My boss has made this repeated victim claim of being "jumped" in meetings when the staff ask good but tough questions. I made an effort to get the questions in writing first and I emailed them late Friday.
She wrote an e-mail response fairly quickly that indicated she was most bothered and that "We need to talk." She still feels jumped--borderlines do not like challenging questions--they can dish it but they cannot take it--again, they have no integrity, and as a result they create drama.
I will talk to her first thing Monday. She is likely going to make statements that make the staff look like perpetrators with all their questions, and that I am not rescuing her enough.
MY PLAN: I plan to put her emotion back on her.
I have decided to use an approach similar to Motivational Interviewing. In that I am going to repeat back to her what she says. If she says "I felt jumped in there, you should have backed me up in there." I am going to say something like "They jumped you" with a different inflection.
Then I will likely say "What is it about their questions that made you feel jumped?"
I have previously not said anything. The time has changed.
If she says, now I am made out to be the bad guy. I plan to say nothing, or at best, say "you feel you are the bad guy?"
I have decided that borderlines try to make others responsible for their emotions. I have learned lately through my time in the mud, that my borderline boss has been stating things only in feelings as to whether she is rescuing or she is a victim.
I expect this to be a very subtle approach and that this is the first line of defense. It is at best a Soft skill. It will be a lot of work, but I am going to have to start here. I do not think that she will have a clue what I am doing at first.
I think that it is tough enough coping with the economy as it is. I think that in this day and time we have to work on only owning our own feelings, and not those of someone else.
While we would like to empathize, many borderlines are willing to throw themselves out there as victims, depicting whether they are a victim of you or someone else. Things are not always safe out there.
For my boss, she needs to be responsible for her emotion. She probably never will be, she probably would die first. My plan is that I do not take responsibility for what she will not. Previously, I had gotten stirred by her emotion--it is time to start setting a limit--her emotion does not have to be my emotion.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Trying to maintain a sense of integrity and emotional intelligence
The past few weeks have been one of survival and reflection.
There have been office games that I have been trying to avoid, but they have caught me anyway. The games are a product of working for a borderline. I have found myself asking myself many questions this weekend.
First, let me talk about the dynamic at work. I feel marginalized from management . . . period. I would really like another job now.
The assistant vice president has isolated herself into exec-u-land and I have only seen her through the glass door of the main conference room. I still have had no desire to talk to her due to her abuse and now my boss has now stepped back into borderline mode.
My boss told me on Friday at a meeting called under what are at best false-pretenses not to build my team at her expense. The meeting was supposed to be called “rounding.” The first question was a rounding question . . . the rest of the 50 minutes consisted of my boss's emotional immaturity.
For those who work at hospital organizations currently paying money to the Studer Group, “Rounding” is a management technique of communication where a manager asks subordinates what is going right, and ask what the subordinate would like? It is supposed to be a positive meeting where the boss is listening to the subordinate trying to make the workplace more pleasant.
After the first question, my boss talked about how she did not feel part of the team in one of my departments for the rest of the session. She talked about the one subordinate who has not been doing his work. She talked about the other subordinate who had been enabling the lax one. She told me that she did not want to build my team at her expense.
She repeated the part about “her expense.” From what I understood, she did not want me forming such a tight bond that I would get sucked into the team and turn against her. Can you say paranoid?
She wanted to know my opinion, and every time I gave it, she responded with criticism or some statement that she was hurt by it. This was not rounding.
She used what she called an “AA” term, “signing off on each other's sh*t.” I looked that up on Google. I found nothing. Her intent seemed to be calling that enabling. I asked an old soul at my church about his impression of it. He told me that it meant “not to take someone else's inventory.” Again, this was not rounding.
I called and left a message for my old boss, since she is big into AA and Alanon—surely she would know about the term. She has not returned my phone call, and her husband curtly dismissed me on the phone today when I called a second time. I wanted her to tell me her understanding of the phrase. I think that she is just too connected to my assistant-vice-president and my boss—but then I can only guess.
I think that I would have been better off just going to a local AA meeting and asking someone if they had heard the phrase and what it was supposed to mean?
Okay, well, so I have the boss trying to play expert here and she is greatly failing. I think now at this juncture, what the phrase means does not matter any more. This is now survival in a tyrannical situation.
Working for a borderline.
I have been reading some business management communication books lately and as I read them, I think that the authors are missing some things. From reading many of the case vignettes in those books, I have decided that many of the problem coworkers and tyrannical bosses are borderline personalities. I have stated elsewhere that I think that the occurrence rate for borderline personality disorder is much higher than research states.
The point is that many of the tyrannical bosses (males or females) are borderline personalities, especially in mental health agencies and hospitals.
Borderlines are not about order and process and principle. The borderline boss is problem-focused and controlling. They micromanage and their subordinates do not feel successful in their work as the boss only talks about the possible crises and what was wrong versus whether anything was right. Borderline bosses are never satisfied with things.
The borderline bosses are focused about themselves and their insecurities. The borderline will focus about things outside of their control. They are guarded, critical, moody, and emotionally tyrannical in their dealings with their subordinate. They will rage and say abusive things. They are on constant edge.
They do not say hi to people in the hallway unless they have an agenda,which is another form of emotional abuse. They will look angry, and subordinates who do not know the distance run and hide.
Well, that is what I am dealing with now. One more thing, my boss said in the meeting of false pretense that I have been caught in the middle of things. She was right about that. I have pretty much been able to stay in the middle successfully because I have done drama management, and it has worked so far, but I question how much more it will work?
Drama Management
Borderlines stir up drama. They cannot help themselves.
In drama, there are usually three people and at least two of them are angry. Someone is the victim. Someone is the perpetrator. Lastly, someone is the rescuer. The roles are interchangeable amongst the three. The perpetrator can all of a sudden become the victim if the rescuer goes to far. The victim can become the perpetrator. The rescuer becomes the perpetrator when the rescuer goes to far. The communication is usually indirect, highly charged and someone is hurt.
I have looked at the different events in light of that. I think drama management has at least nine principles
There have been office games that I have been trying to avoid, but they have caught me anyway. The games are a product of working for a borderline. I have found myself asking myself many questions this weekend.
First, let me talk about the dynamic at work. I feel marginalized from management . . . period. I would really like another job now.
The assistant vice president has isolated herself into exec-u-land and I have only seen her through the glass door of the main conference room. I still have had no desire to talk to her due to her abuse and now my boss has now stepped back into borderline mode.
My boss told me on Friday at a meeting called under what are at best false-pretenses not to build my team at her expense. The meeting was supposed to be called “rounding.” The first question was a rounding question . . . the rest of the 50 minutes consisted of my boss's emotional immaturity.
For those who work at hospital organizations currently paying money to the Studer Group, “Rounding” is a management technique of communication where a manager asks subordinates what is going right, and ask what the subordinate would like? It is supposed to be a positive meeting where the boss is listening to the subordinate trying to make the workplace more pleasant.
After the first question, my boss talked about how she did not feel part of the team in one of my departments for the rest of the session. She talked about the one subordinate who has not been doing his work. She talked about the other subordinate who had been enabling the lax one. She told me that she did not want to build my team at her expense.
She repeated the part about “her expense.” From what I understood, she did not want me forming such a tight bond that I would get sucked into the team and turn against her. Can you say paranoid?
She wanted to know my opinion, and every time I gave it, she responded with criticism or some statement that she was hurt by it. This was not rounding.
She used what she called an “AA” term, “signing off on each other's sh*t.” I looked that up on Google. I found nothing. Her intent seemed to be calling that enabling. I asked an old soul at my church about his impression of it. He told me that it meant “not to take someone else's inventory.” Again, this was not rounding.
I called and left a message for my old boss, since she is big into AA and Alanon—surely she would know about the term. She has not returned my phone call, and her husband curtly dismissed me on the phone today when I called a second time. I wanted her to tell me her understanding of the phrase. I think that she is just too connected to my assistant-vice-president and my boss—but then I can only guess.
I think that I would have been better off just going to a local AA meeting and asking someone if they had heard the phrase and what it was supposed to mean?
Okay, well, so I have the boss trying to play expert here and she is greatly failing. I think now at this juncture, what the phrase means does not matter any more. This is now survival in a tyrannical situation.
Working for a borderline.
I have been reading some business management communication books lately and as I read them, I think that the authors are missing some things. From reading many of the case vignettes in those books, I have decided that many of the problem coworkers and tyrannical bosses are borderline personalities. I have stated elsewhere that I think that the occurrence rate for borderline personality disorder is much higher than research states.
The point is that many of the tyrannical bosses (males or females) are borderline personalities, especially in mental health agencies and hospitals.
Borderlines are not about order and process and principle. The borderline boss is problem-focused and controlling. They micromanage and their subordinates do not feel successful in their work as the boss only talks about the possible crises and what was wrong versus whether anything was right. Borderline bosses are never satisfied with things.
The borderline bosses are focused about themselves and their insecurities. The borderline will focus about things outside of their control. They are guarded, critical, moody, and emotionally tyrannical in their dealings with their subordinate. They will rage and say abusive things. They are on constant edge.
They do not say hi to people in the hallway unless they have an agenda,which is another form of emotional abuse. They will look angry, and subordinates who do not know the distance run and hide.
Well, that is what I am dealing with now. One more thing, my boss said in the meeting of false pretense that I have been caught in the middle of things. She was right about that. I have pretty much been able to stay in the middle successfully because I have done drama management, and it has worked so far, but I question how much more it will work?
Drama Management
Borderlines stir up drama. They cannot help themselves.
In drama, there are usually three people and at least two of them are angry. Someone is the victim. Someone is the perpetrator. Lastly, someone is the rescuer. The roles are interchangeable amongst the three. The perpetrator can all of a sudden become the victim if the rescuer goes to far. The victim can become the perpetrator. The rescuer becomes the perpetrator when the rescuer goes to far. The communication is usually indirect, highly charged and someone is hurt.
I have looked at the different events in light of that. I think drama management has at least nine principles
- Choose very carefully what you repeat—you actually risk furthering the drama by saying something.
- Be direct in communication when you have to talk.
- Determine what the problem really is and work to resolve it if there really is a tangible problem.
- Let stuff die if it really is not a tangible problem.
- Be mature and adult in your words and tone of voice.
- Educate people about drama management where appropriate.
- Repeatedly tell yourself that you have power in the situation by what you do or not do.
- Integrity in all matters.
- Things are perfect neither are things total disasters.
My boss has repeatedly attempted to stir drama. My boss would make statements that someone said something inflammatory or cheap about me. I decided not to say anything. I let much stuff die. When it has come to dealing with my boss and the problem subordinate underneath me, I have sought to talk in a calm and mature tone. I have tried to impact the people around me with integrity and principle—I have repeated my philosophy of work to my subordinates and I have tried to walk it like I talk it. To the few that I judged appropriate, I explained my philosophy of drama management. It has worked for the most part and I have verbalized it as such.
What I think that has changed is that my boss is going to make drama happen regardless and I am not going to have a challenge as to how to manage it. As far as I can tell, she has tried to pit me against the other two subordinates. If I am not against them, I am against her. If she cannot pit me against anyone, she will transfer my problem-subordinate to another department and will create drama in the target department.
Integrity
I have decided the literature about borderline personalities has missed that they do not have integrity. They (in a Freudian sense) they lack the inner ego strength to have integrity. They do not have integrity within themselves and lack insight into their own contribution to their own problems. It is all about them, and if integrity does not work for them in the moment, they will distort, lie, back-stab, rage, cause a scene, withdraw, and abuse to control their fragile little realm.
My boss did not demonstrate integrity on Friday. In fact, she has demonstrated very little integrity for the two years she has been in the job. She especially did not call her meeting with me in the name of integrity. She had an agenda that was about her and her control. Was there a modicum of valid business concern in her meeting? Yes, but she was not straight forward and it is difficult to tell where the real matter lies.
I am not going to discuss what my plans are exactly tomorrow, but I have a plan where I am going to focus on maintaining integrity and principle. I am still at this time unsure whether or not is the right thing and whether I am going to follow that course of action because it is difficult.
Integrity in this day and time is difficult. When you are trying to survive and pay the bills, the temptation is there to do what seems to be needed. Sometimes that “need” is not moral or legal. But there is a generalized excuse in group-think that “everyone is doing it.”
Each of us is in charge of our own life. Sure we look to role models and mentors to guide us. But there are at least 10 tests we can ask whether something is going to help us maintain integrity. Any of them may cause pause to reconsider a planned course of action.
1. Is this going to get me fired?
2. Is it against corporate policy?
3. Is this illegal in the laws of the state or nation?
4. Does this violate any religious or moral code?
5. Is this good professional practice?
6. Is this of good principle that I can do again without getting burned?
7. Is this something I can look back on and say it seemed to be the right action at the time?
8. Is there going to be a consequence if I do not do it?
9. Am I crossing an interpersonal boundary and trying to do something that someone else really needs to be doing?
10. Does this actually feel right?
These are not perfect, but they are questions that we can ask to test whether I am maintaining integrity in matters. I am admit that I am feeling tenuous right now as nothing is perfect.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Working to Maintain Peace Inside and Out
The past three weeks have had their moments. The challenge is to sum up the lessons and the the points of light.
As we progress into 2009, things are looking worse economically. Yet, it does seem that there are flecks of good things.
Here in Louisville, the unemployment rate has reached 9.4 percent. I do not see that as a mystery when much of the manufacturing is automotive based. If Ford is not selling trucks, they do not need the supplies from the local suppliers and so on and more people get laid off.
The chilling externality effect
I have decided that with the continued downturn in the economy, there is a continued negative emotional (not economic) externality, especially in Louisville. In Economics, an externality is a secondary effect or benefit that others feel on account of an action or person.
At my organization this effect is an chilling effect. I think that this is exemplified through my CEO's boss, and then my CEO's in turn passing on a blog from a hospital CEO in Boston about cutbacks.
It is best that I do not tell you what the e-mail said, but it was from another blog here on "Blogger."
My boss especially seemed to be having a mood swing in the past week anyway since she has Bipolar Disorder. The chilling effect seems to be playing especially on her. Those with Bipolar Disorder run the risk of being extra sensitive to stress.
My subordinates in one department have become extra paranoid after the blog distribution. They have been trying to pump me for information. I had to set some limits with them. I then decided to throw a small "YIPPEE SKIPPY IT'S SPRING" celebration where I am going to bake some chocolate pies.
Part #2: dealing with the micro-managing vice president and the bad news about my daughter.
On another front in terms of maintaining peace, I have found myself dealing with my own personal challenges. On Monday of this past week, my wife was told by school officials that my daughter has Asperger's Syndrome.
Asperger's is a form of Autism. It has several different forms. My daughter has a fairly mild case of it given that she is in touch with reality most of the time, but that she has certain quirks and perception issues. She also has some immaturity.
Mind you, I still have my irritation at the assistant vice-president for the abuse that was supposed to be a job interview. I have been avoidant of her. The problem was that I could not avoid her on Tuesday morning as we were both going down the stairs at the same time. We both said good morning to each other and then she asked me how I was doing? I said "eh."
She then asked "Angry?"
I waited to the bottom of the stairway and then said in almost a whisper, "I was told yesterday that my daughter has Asperger's."
I heard her gulp and then she said "I'm sorry."
The reality is that I was indeed angry with her, but that one could not have played better in emotional warfare with a borderline in power. I basically "zinged" her with a one-up, that was blessedly true in this case.
Otherwise, I have decided that I have got to give the anger up towards the assistant vice president. That is my power. It will not be easy to forgive her. I have been abused by people like her in the past, and I have sworn I will not get walked on again by her type.
As a medium stance I will try to have self-pity on her at this time. I think that she will burn out soon in her job since she does not have the emotional intelligence to be in that job.
It helps that her office has been moved off my hallway. I will not see her as much.
Not seeing her as much is good since I have decided with my wife not to look for another job until we have completed my daughter's assessment and consultation processes. My daughter is going to be assessed by some specialists at a center ran by the University of Louisville Medical School.
I have my challenges to stay in the clear and maintain my employment until it is truly time to move on. I have decided that my most concrete work goals will be to work for excellence in my job and smile more at work.
Points of Light
Not all is that bad these days. A friend of mine that I had mentioned in an earlier entry, who had quit his job under fire in a southern state has landed another job on the East Coast. I am very happy for him. Good things do happen.
Tying things together
Okay, tying everything together is going to be tough, but I think I can say something that makes more sense than a bad Southern Baptist Sunday School curriculum book.
Yes, the days and times are numbing. We do not know always what to think for feel given that so much comes at us.
In this tough day and time, peace inside and out is possible. We have an effect on others around us. We can work for positive events and experiences in our workplaces. We can work for positive experiences in our lives. I am making some personal goals, and I am going to focus on what matters.
Furthermore, not all is that bad. It is not all disaster. Some is actually pleasant at times--my friend getting a new job, and the fact that the daffodils are blooming and the Bradford Pears are budding.
What matters to you? Take an inventory of what matters to you. It is as simple as making a list. None of us can address everything on the list, but we can address some of it.
When we are addressing what matters to us, we feel a sense of peace inside and we are not dependent on what is outside of us.
As we progress into 2009, things are looking worse economically. Yet, it does seem that there are flecks of good things.
Here in Louisville, the unemployment rate has reached 9.4 percent. I do not see that as a mystery when much of the manufacturing is automotive based. If Ford is not selling trucks, they do not need the supplies from the local suppliers and so on and more people get laid off.
The chilling externality effect
I have decided that with the continued downturn in the economy, there is a continued negative emotional (not economic) externality, especially in Louisville. In Economics, an externality is a secondary effect or benefit that others feel on account of an action or person.
At my organization this effect is an chilling effect. I think that this is exemplified through my CEO's boss, and then my CEO's in turn passing on a blog from a hospital CEO in Boston about cutbacks.
It is best that I do not tell you what the e-mail said, but it was from another blog here on "Blogger."
The CEO in turn passed it on to the vice presidents and directors, and my director passed it on to us. I determined that other social workers in the hospital did not get it. My supervisor said that she got clearance to pass it on to us from her boss, the micro-managing assistant vice president.
I did a bit of a survey among my subordinates. The message they seemed to get was "Don't whine, it could be worse."
What has it really meant?
Right now I think the aftermath of that distasteful distribution of the blog entry is that I have paranoid people above me and below me.
My boss especially seemed to be having a mood swing in the past week anyway since she has Bipolar Disorder. The chilling effect seems to be playing especially on her. Those with Bipolar Disorder run the risk of being extra sensitive to stress.
My subordinates in one department have become extra paranoid after the blog distribution. They have been trying to pump me for information. I had to set some limits with them. I then decided to throw a small "YIPPEE SKIPPY IT'S SPRING" celebration where I am going to bake some chocolate pies.
Part #2: dealing with the micro-managing vice president and the bad news about my daughter.
On another front in terms of maintaining peace, I have found myself dealing with my own personal challenges. On Monday of this past week, my wife was told by school officials that my daughter has Asperger's Syndrome.
Asperger's is a form of Autism. It has several different forms. My daughter has a fairly mild case of it given that she is in touch with reality most of the time, but that she has certain quirks and perception issues. She also has some immaturity.
Mind you, I still have my irritation at the assistant vice-president for the abuse that was supposed to be a job interview. I have been avoidant of her. The problem was that I could not avoid her on Tuesday morning as we were both going down the stairs at the same time. We both said good morning to each other and then she asked me how I was doing? I said "eh."
She then asked "Angry?"
I waited to the bottom of the stairway and then said in almost a whisper, "I was told yesterday that my daughter has Asperger's."
I heard her gulp and then she said "I'm sorry."
The reality is that I was indeed angry with her, but that one could not have played better in emotional warfare with a borderline in power. I basically "zinged" her with a one-up, that was blessedly true in this case.
Otherwise, I have decided that I have got to give the anger up towards the assistant vice president. That is my power. It will not be easy to forgive her. I have been abused by people like her in the past, and I have sworn I will not get walked on again by her type.
As a medium stance I will try to have self-pity on her at this time. I think that she will burn out soon in her job since she does not have the emotional intelligence to be in that job.
It helps that her office has been moved off my hallway. I will not see her as much.
Not seeing her as much is good since I have decided with my wife not to look for another job until we have completed my daughter's assessment and consultation processes. My daughter is going to be assessed by some specialists at a center ran by the University of Louisville Medical School.
I have my challenges to stay in the clear and maintain my employment until it is truly time to move on. I have decided that my most concrete work goals will be to work for excellence in my job and smile more at work.
Points of Light
Not all is that bad these days. A friend of mine that I had mentioned in an earlier entry, who had quit his job under fire in a southern state has landed another job on the East Coast. I am very happy for him. Good things do happen.
Tying things together
Okay, tying everything together is going to be tough, but I think I can say something that makes more sense than a bad Southern Baptist Sunday School curriculum book.
Yes, the days and times are numbing. We do not know always what to think for feel given that so much comes at us.
In this tough day and time, peace inside and out is possible. We have an effect on others around us. We can work for positive events and experiences in our workplaces. We can work for positive experiences in our lives. I am making some personal goals, and I am going to focus on what matters.
Furthermore, not all is that bad. It is not all disaster. Some is actually pleasant at times--my friend getting a new job, and the fact that the daffodils are blooming and the Bradford Pears are budding.
What matters to you? Take an inventory of what matters to you. It is as simple as making a list. None of us can address everything on the list, but we can address some of it.
When we are addressing what matters to us, we feel a sense of peace inside and we are not dependent on what is outside of us.
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