It has been a few weeks since I last wrote about coping. I have had to do a bunch of it on my own. It has been drama at my office.
Being drug behind a 4x4 on a baja or off-road course
I have equated the experience of dealing with borderline personalities to be like being drug by an off-road 4x4 through an off-road or baja course.
I would like to be able to tell all of it, but the metaphor of the of baja course will have to suffice as there are too many bumps and curves to tell you the whole story. I will give just the highlights.
There was one moment where I almost got demoted. My boss was worried that I was spreading negativity about her because I was mad about her. She projected her behavior upon me—she is the one who spreads negativity. She called an immediate meeting with Human Resources and began interrogating me in from of the HR coordinator for the hospital. I talked better than my borderline personality boss and was able to distinguish myself from my boss. My boss was being immature, I was being mature and I held onto my position.
One of my departments has had two position cuts. One is an outright cut, and another position has been made contingent on patient population. It is difficult to tell whether my assistant vice president is making decisions to look good or whether she is taking orders to cut by a higher-level bean counter.
My narcissistic subordinate is being transferred to one of my old department. Someone quite and is moving on to a better job. He is moving because he believes he is saving his own job given the two cuts. He is only thinking about himself. On the one hand I think he is getting out of my hair, but he is also creating more work for me.
My hospital is going on probation again with the state. A psychiatric technician slapped a kid. As far as my information is accurate—people were fired. However, it was not enough to pacify the state. You heard it here fourth or fifth. It will probably get out into the local media in about one month.
My hospital has been cutting back since November. I figure someone high up is going to take the fall somewhere some how like they did back in September of last year. The hospital corporation wanted to cut back, and they cut back at the expense of the wrong things. Will they do right? We will see.
So what have I been doing to cope with it all?
1. Comfort eating and experimenting in the kitchen.
2. Talking to my friends
3. Praying a lot.
4. Being the adult.
5. Reading books.
6. Bike-riding
7. The Wii
8. Keeping my eyes open for other opportunities—avocational and career change
As you can tell I have been doing a multiple of things.
I have been reading the Four Agreements, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, and Emotional Intelligence. I have been learning to be more adult and more real. The Four Agreements has some good stuff, but it is rather new age.
I have been experimenting with a pineapple pound cake recipe. It is just about there. I now have to perfect the glaze. I have gained some weight.
My faith has been very important here. I have prayed for God’s open door to happen but for him to take care of us while we wait and hang on. I believe that God was with me when was dealing with the immature rants and raves of my boss about one month ago. I do not care who you are, you need God. I admit that intelligence alone does not save you. Faith is what you lean on when the problem is outside of your ability to solve because you do not have the power or you are waiting for a day in the future.
Bike riding has been good to let off some steam. I have enjoyed the boxing on my Wii. Physical exercise has its place.
Talking to my friends has been good. My main support group has been the guys at church. The have been great. I reconnected with a school mate from my Ph.D. studies and we shared our travails. Sometimes getting things off your chest is good too.
The job search has been dormant. I got invited to apply for a job in Georgia that will likely pay $9000 less than I make. They really could not tell me what the salary was, but only estimate. I have been advised to apply for it to test out the waters to see what it is all about. It could been the open door I have been looking for.
Find your mix
The economy has been tight. My budget is getting even tighter. Many people I know are experiencing leaner, tighter times. Salaries are being cut or increases are being withheld. The mix of things we do to pass the time under stress is up to each one of us. I look back on the past month of drama and I can say that while it was not perfect, I made it. I did what I had to do and I kept things going.
For those who are unemployed, there is the concern about having what you will need, and perhaps some will need to take jobs that were formerly below them to pay the bills. Besides the worry of finances, getting through this time of recession and stress is a matter of successfully passing the time.
Passing the time
Passing time is something that people do not like in general. Passing time is what people do when they are waiting. We are supposed to be on the edge of the wave and moving ahead with our life. But I have decided that in life there will be times of waiting where you are not moving ahead. They will not make sense and they will not be pleasant. If you are reading this, you are likely waiting for something bad to pass.
Passing time is inevitable for everyone. Passing time successfully and meaningfully is the challenge. Whether you are waiting one minute, one month, one year or several years, it is possible to wait with yourself and your values intact. I think that you will need to choose your mix of activities that will help you pass time in the midst of difficult circumstances.
When finances are tight, what you do to pass your time may need to be creative. Maybe you may need to think of a business you can start. Maybe you can start to read those books you have always wanted to read. Maybe you go check out that video on Calculus at your library and finally understand the Integral and Derivative. How you pass your time is going to be up to you, I suppose a good standard for passing your time is doing things that do not make you feel guilty or which you can look back and be satisfied that you did what you could and that was that.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Setting Limits with your emotions
The past two weeks for me have been quite difficult. My boss has really stirred up some drama and I suffered, but then I learned. My plan is to set limits with my emotions.
I have made no bones that I work for a person with Borderline Personality. Borderlines act in terms of "Drama." They start it and keep it going.
With drama there is a triangle of interactions between three people. There is a perpetrator, a victim and a rescuer. The roles are interchangeable between the three people.
Within a triangle of drama there is emotion, childish anger, and indirect expression of feeling and an absence of direct problem-solving. To stop it, you must clearly state your emotion and act like an adult.
I have decided that there is no integrity in drama. I have decided one of the problems with borderline personalities is that they have no integrity and that they have no insight that they have a character defect that includes no integrity.
I have been noticing my boss make comments that put her in a victim role.
I have also been noticing comments that put her in a rescuer role.
I think in the recessionary times, we are more likely to let things slide. We are afraid to confront all the more as we are afraid of losing our jobs.
Without going into all of the detail of the past two weeks, I have been drug through the mud with my boss's drama.
I have to meet with her tomorrow. A major change is being made in one of my departments and the staff under me have a number of questions. She is acting like a victim when she really is the perpetrator.
My boss has made this repeated victim claim of being "jumped" in meetings when the staff ask good but tough questions. I made an effort to get the questions in writing first and I emailed them late Friday.
She wrote an e-mail response fairly quickly that indicated she was most bothered and that "We need to talk." She still feels jumped--borderlines do not like challenging questions--they can dish it but they cannot take it--again, they have no integrity, and as a result they create drama.
I will talk to her first thing Monday. She is likely going to make statements that make the staff look like perpetrators with all their questions, and that I am not rescuing her enough.
MY PLAN: I plan to put her emotion back on her.
I have decided to use an approach similar to Motivational Interviewing. In that I am going to repeat back to her what she says. If she says "I felt jumped in there, you should have backed me up in there." I am going to say something like "They jumped you" with a different inflection.
Then I will likely say "What is it about their questions that made you feel jumped?"
I have previously not said anything. The time has changed.
If she says, now I am made out to be the bad guy. I plan to say nothing, or at best, say "you feel you are the bad guy?"
I have decided that borderlines try to make others responsible for their emotions. I have learned lately through my time in the mud, that my borderline boss has been stating things only in feelings as to whether she is rescuing or she is a victim.
I expect this to be a very subtle approach and that this is the first line of defense. It is at best a Soft skill. It will be a lot of work, but I am going to have to start here. I do not think that she will have a clue what I am doing at first.
I think that it is tough enough coping with the economy as it is. I think that in this day and time we have to work on only owning our own feelings, and not those of someone else.
While we would like to empathize, many borderlines are willing to throw themselves out there as victims, depicting whether they are a victim of you or someone else. Things are not always safe out there.
For my boss, she needs to be responsible for her emotion. She probably never will be, she probably would die first. My plan is that I do not take responsibility for what she will not. Previously, I had gotten stirred by her emotion--it is time to start setting a limit--her emotion does not have to be my emotion.
I have made no bones that I work for a person with Borderline Personality. Borderlines act in terms of "Drama." They start it and keep it going.
With drama there is a triangle of interactions between three people. There is a perpetrator, a victim and a rescuer. The roles are interchangeable between the three people.
Within a triangle of drama there is emotion, childish anger, and indirect expression of feeling and an absence of direct problem-solving. To stop it, you must clearly state your emotion and act like an adult.
I have decided that there is no integrity in drama. I have decided one of the problems with borderline personalities is that they have no integrity and that they have no insight that they have a character defect that includes no integrity.
I have been noticing my boss make comments that put her in a victim role.
- "I felt like I was jumped in there. You need to be on my side."
- "Now I am being made to look like the bad guy."
- "Why is he doing this to me?"
I have also been noticing comments that put her in a rescuer role.
- "I am working hard to save this department."
- "This is causing me a lot of work to fix things."
- "This is the cutting edge."
I think in the recessionary times, we are more likely to let things slide. We are afraid to confront all the more as we are afraid of losing our jobs.
Without going into all of the detail of the past two weeks, I have been drug through the mud with my boss's drama.
I have to meet with her tomorrow. A major change is being made in one of my departments and the staff under me have a number of questions. She is acting like a victim when she really is the perpetrator.
My boss has made this repeated victim claim of being "jumped" in meetings when the staff ask good but tough questions. I made an effort to get the questions in writing first and I emailed them late Friday.
She wrote an e-mail response fairly quickly that indicated she was most bothered and that "We need to talk." She still feels jumped--borderlines do not like challenging questions--they can dish it but they cannot take it--again, they have no integrity, and as a result they create drama.
I will talk to her first thing Monday. She is likely going to make statements that make the staff look like perpetrators with all their questions, and that I am not rescuing her enough.
MY PLAN: I plan to put her emotion back on her.
I have decided to use an approach similar to Motivational Interviewing. In that I am going to repeat back to her what she says. If she says "I felt jumped in there, you should have backed me up in there." I am going to say something like "They jumped you" with a different inflection.
Then I will likely say "What is it about their questions that made you feel jumped?"
I have previously not said anything. The time has changed.
If she says, now I am made out to be the bad guy. I plan to say nothing, or at best, say "you feel you are the bad guy?"
I have decided that borderlines try to make others responsible for their emotions. I have learned lately through my time in the mud, that my borderline boss has been stating things only in feelings as to whether she is rescuing or she is a victim.
I expect this to be a very subtle approach and that this is the first line of defense. It is at best a Soft skill. It will be a lot of work, but I am going to have to start here. I do not think that she will have a clue what I am doing at first.
I think that it is tough enough coping with the economy as it is. I think that in this day and time we have to work on only owning our own feelings, and not those of someone else.
While we would like to empathize, many borderlines are willing to throw themselves out there as victims, depicting whether they are a victim of you or someone else. Things are not always safe out there.
For my boss, she needs to be responsible for her emotion. She probably never will be, she probably would die first. My plan is that I do not take responsibility for what she will not. Previously, I had gotten stirred by her emotion--it is time to start setting a limit--her emotion does not have to be my emotion.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Trying to maintain a sense of integrity and emotional intelligence
The past few weeks have been one of survival and reflection.
There have been office games that I have been trying to avoid, but they have caught me anyway. The games are a product of working for a borderline. I have found myself asking myself many questions this weekend.
First, let me talk about the dynamic at work. I feel marginalized from management . . . period. I would really like another job now.
The assistant vice president has isolated herself into exec-u-land and I have only seen her through the glass door of the main conference room. I still have had no desire to talk to her due to her abuse and now my boss has now stepped back into borderline mode.
My boss told me on Friday at a meeting called under what are at best false-pretenses not to build my team at her expense. The meeting was supposed to be called “rounding.” The first question was a rounding question . . . the rest of the 50 minutes consisted of my boss's emotional immaturity.
For those who work at hospital organizations currently paying money to the Studer Group, “Rounding” is a management technique of communication where a manager asks subordinates what is going right, and ask what the subordinate would like? It is supposed to be a positive meeting where the boss is listening to the subordinate trying to make the workplace more pleasant.
After the first question, my boss talked about how she did not feel part of the team in one of my departments for the rest of the session. She talked about the one subordinate who has not been doing his work. She talked about the other subordinate who had been enabling the lax one. She told me that she did not want to build my team at her expense.
She repeated the part about “her expense.” From what I understood, she did not want me forming such a tight bond that I would get sucked into the team and turn against her. Can you say paranoid?
She wanted to know my opinion, and every time I gave it, she responded with criticism or some statement that she was hurt by it. This was not rounding.
She used what she called an “AA” term, “signing off on each other's sh*t.” I looked that up on Google. I found nothing. Her intent seemed to be calling that enabling. I asked an old soul at my church about his impression of it. He told me that it meant “not to take someone else's inventory.” Again, this was not rounding.
I called and left a message for my old boss, since she is big into AA and Alanon—surely she would know about the term. She has not returned my phone call, and her husband curtly dismissed me on the phone today when I called a second time. I wanted her to tell me her understanding of the phrase. I think that she is just too connected to my assistant-vice-president and my boss—but then I can only guess.
I think that I would have been better off just going to a local AA meeting and asking someone if they had heard the phrase and what it was supposed to mean?
Okay, well, so I have the boss trying to play expert here and she is greatly failing. I think now at this juncture, what the phrase means does not matter any more. This is now survival in a tyrannical situation.
Working for a borderline.
I have been reading some business management communication books lately and as I read them, I think that the authors are missing some things. From reading many of the case vignettes in those books, I have decided that many of the problem coworkers and tyrannical bosses are borderline personalities. I have stated elsewhere that I think that the occurrence rate for borderline personality disorder is much higher than research states.
The point is that many of the tyrannical bosses (males or females) are borderline personalities, especially in mental health agencies and hospitals.
Borderlines are not about order and process and principle. The borderline boss is problem-focused and controlling. They micromanage and their subordinates do not feel successful in their work as the boss only talks about the possible crises and what was wrong versus whether anything was right. Borderline bosses are never satisfied with things.
The borderline bosses are focused about themselves and their insecurities. The borderline will focus about things outside of their control. They are guarded, critical, moody, and emotionally tyrannical in their dealings with their subordinate. They will rage and say abusive things. They are on constant edge.
They do not say hi to people in the hallway unless they have an agenda,which is another form of emotional abuse. They will look angry, and subordinates who do not know the distance run and hide.
Well, that is what I am dealing with now. One more thing, my boss said in the meeting of false pretense that I have been caught in the middle of things. She was right about that. I have pretty much been able to stay in the middle successfully because I have done drama management, and it has worked so far, but I question how much more it will work?
Drama Management
Borderlines stir up drama. They cannot help themselves.
In drama, there are usually three people and at least two of them are angry. Someone is the victim. Someone is the perpetrator. Lastly, someone is the rescuer. The roles are interchangeable amongst the three. The perpetrator can all of a sudden become the victim if the rescuer goes to far. The victim can become the perpetrator. The rescuer becomes the perpetrator when the rescuer goes to far. The communication is usually indirect, highly charged and someone is hurt.
I have looked at the different events in light of that. I think drama management has at least nine principles
There have been office games that I have been trying to avoid, but they have caught me anyway. The games are a product of working for a borderline. I have found myself asking myself many questions this weekend.
First, let me talk about the dynamic at work. I feel marginalized from management . . . period. I would really like another job now.
The assistant vice president has isolated herself into exec-u-land and I have only seen her through the glass door of the main conference room. I still have had no desire to talk to her due to her abuse and now my boss has now stepped back into borderline mode.
My boss told me on Friday at a meeting called under what are at best false-pretenses not to build my team at her expense. The meeting was supposed to be called “rounding.” The first question was a rounding question . . . the rest of the 50 minutes consisted of my boss's emotional immaturity.
For those who work at hospital organizations currently paying money to the Studer Group, “Rounding” is a management technique of communication where a manager asks subordinates what is going right, and ask what the subordinate would like? It is supposed to be a positive meeting where the boss is listening to the subordinate trying to make the workplace more pleasant.
After the first question, my boss talked about how she did not feel part of the team in one of my departments for the rest of the session. She talked about the one subordinate who has not been doing his work. She talked about the other subordinate who had been enabling the lax one. She told me that she did not want to build my team at her expense.
She repeated the part about “her expense.” From what I understood, she did not want me forming such a tight bond that I would get sucked into the team and turn against her. Can you say paranoid?
She wanted to know my opinion, and every time I gave it, she responded with criticism or some statement that she was hurt by it. This was not rounding.
She used what she called an “AA” term, “signing off on each other's sh*t.” I looked that up on Google. I found nothing. Her intent seemed to be calling that enabling. I asked an old soul at my church about his impression of it. He told me that it meant “not to take someone else's inventory.” Again, this was not rounding.
I called and left a message for my old boss, since she is big into AA and Alanon—surely she would know about the term. She has not returned my phone call, and her husband curtly dismissed me on the phone today when I called a second time. I wanted her to tell me her understanding of the phrase. I think that she is just too connected to my assistant-vice-president and my boss—but then I can only guess.
I think that I would have been better off just going to a local AA meeting and asking someone if they had heard the phrase and what it was supposed to mean?
Okay, well, so I have the boss trying to play expert here and she is greatly failing. I think now at this juncture, what the phrase means does not matter any more. This is now survival in a tyrannical situation.
Working for a borderline.
I have been reading some business management communication books lately and as I read them, I think that the authors are missing some things. From reading many of the case vignettes in those books, I have decided that many of the problem coworkers and tyrannical bosses are borderline personalities. I have stated elsewhere that I think that the occurrence rate for borderline personality disorder is much higher than research states.
The point is that many of the tyrannical bosses (males or females) are borderline personalities, especially in mental health agencies and hospitals.
Borderlines are not about order and process and principle. The borderline boss is problem-focused and controlling. They micromanage and their subordinates do not feel successful in their work as the boss only talks about the possible crises and what was wrong versus whether anything was right. Borderline bosses are never satisfied with things.
The borderline bosses are focused about themselves and their insecurities. The borderline will focus about things outside of their control. They are guarded, critical, moody, and emotionally tyrannical in their dealings with their subordinate. They will rage and say abusive things. They are on constant edge.
They do not say hi to people in the hallway unless they have an agenda,which is another form of emotional abuse. They will look angry, and subordinates who do not know the distance run and hide.
Well, that is what I am dealing with now. One more thing, my boss said in the meeting of false pretense that I have been caught in the middle of things. She was right about that. I have pretty much been able to stay in the middle successfully because I have done drama management, and it has worked so far, but I question how much more it will work?
Drama Management
Borderlines stir up drama. They cannot help themselves.
In drama, there are usually three people and at least two of them are angry. Someone is the victim. Someone is the perpetrator. Lastly, someone is the rescuer. The roles are interchangeable amongst the three. The perpetrator can all of a sudden become the victim if the rescuer goes to far. The victim can become the perpetrator. The rescuer becomes the perpetrator when the rescuer goes to far. The communication is usually indirect, highly charged and someone is hurt.
I have looked at the different events in light of that. I think drama management has at least nine principles
- Choose very carefully what you repeat—you actually risk furthering the drama by saying something.
- Be direct in communication when you have to talk.
- Determine what the problem really is and work to resolve it if there really is a tangible problem.
- Let stuff die if it really is not a tangible problem.
- Be mature and adult in your words and tone of voice.
- Educate people about drama management where appropriate.
- Repeatedly tell yourself that you have power in the situation by what you do or not do.
- Integrity in all matters.
- Things are perfect neither are things total disasters.
My boss has repeatedly attempted to stir drama. My boss would make statements that someone said something inflammatory or cheap about me. I decided not to say anything. I let much stuff die. When it has come to dealing with my boss and the problem subordinate underneath me, I have sought to talk in a calm and mature tone. I have tried to impact the people around me with integrity and principle—I have repeated my philosophy of work to my subordinates and I have tried to walk it like I talk it. To the few that I judged appropriate, I explained my philosophy of drama management. It has worked for the most part and I have verbalized it as such.
What I think that has changed is that my boss is going to make drama happen regardless and I am not going to have a challenge as to how to manage it. As far as I can tell, she has tried to pit me against the other two subordinates. If I am not against them, I am against her. If she cannot pit me against anyone, she will transfer my problem-subordinate to another department and will create drama in the target department.
Integrity
I have decided the literature about borderline personalities has missed that they do not have integrity. They (in a Freudian sense) they lack the inner ego strength to have integrity. They do not have integrity within themselves and lack insight into their own contribution to their own problems. It is all about them, and if integrity does not work for them in the moment, they will distort, lie, back-stab, rage, cause a scene, withdraw, and abuse to control their fragile little realm.
My boss did not demonstrate integrity on Friday. In fact, she has demonstrated very little integrity for the two years she has been in the job. She especially did not call her meeting with me in the name of integrity. She had an agenda that was about her and her control. Was there a modicum of valid business concern in her meeting? Yes, but she was not straight forward and it is difficult to tell where the real matter lies.
I am not going to discuss what my plans are exactly tomorrow, but I have a plan where I am going to focus on maintaining integrity and principle. I am still at this time unsure whether or not is the right thing and whether I am going to follow that course of action because it is difficult.
Integrity in this day and time is difficult. When you are trying to survive and pay the bills, the temptation is there to do what seems to be needed. Sometimes that “need” is not moral or legal. But there is a generalized excuse in group-think that “everyone is doing it.”
Each of us is in charge of our own life. Sure we look to role models and mentors to guide us. But there are at least 10 tests we can ask whether something is going to help us maintain integrity. Any of them may cause pause to reconsider a planned course of action.
1. Is this going to get me fired?
2. Is it against corporate policy?
3. Is this illegal in the laws of the state or nation?
4. Does this violate any religious or moral code?
5. Is this good professional practice?
6. Is this of good principle that I can do again without getting burned?
7. Is this something I can look back on and say it seemed to be the right action at the time?
8. Is there going to be a consequence if I do not do it?
9. Am I crossing an interpersonal boundary and trying to do something that someone else really needs to be doing?
10. Does this actually feel right?
These are not perfect, but they are questions that we can ask to test whether I am maintaining integrity in matters. I am admit that I am feeling tenuous right now as nothing is perfect.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Working to Maintain Peace Inside and Out
The past three weeks have had their moments. The challenge is to sum up the lessons and the the points of light.
As we progress into 2009, things are looking worse economically. Yet, it does seem that there are flecks of good things.
Here in Louisville, the unemployment rate has reached 9.4 percent. I do not see that as a mystery when much of the manufacturing is automotive based. If Ford is not selling trucks, they do not need the supplies from the local suppliers and so on and more people get laid off.
The chilling externality effect
I have decided that with the continued downturn in the economy, there is a continued negative emotional (not economic) externality, especially in Louisville. In Economics, an externality is a secondary effect or benefit that others feel on account of an action or person.
At my organization this effect is an chilling effect. I think that this is exemplified through my CEO's boss, and then my CEO's in turn passing on a blog from a hospital CEO in Boston about cutbacks.
It is best that I do not tell you what the e-mail said, but it was from another blog here on "Blogger."
My boss especially seemed to be having a mood swing in the past week anyway since she has Bipolar Disorder. The chilling effect seems to be playing especially on her. Those with Bipolar Disorder run the risk of being extra sensitive to stress.
My subordinates in one department have become extra paranoid after the blog distribution. They have been trying to pump me for information. I had to set some limits with them. I then decided to throw a small "YIPPEE SKIPPY IT'S SPRING" celebration where I am going to bake some chocolate pies.
Part #2: dealing with the micro-managing vice president and the bad news about my daughter.
On another front in terms of maintaining peace, I have found myself dealing with my own personal challenges. On Monday of this past week, my wife was told by school officials that my daughter has Asperger's Syndrome.
Asperger's is a form of Autism. It has several different forms. My daughter has a fairly mild case of it given that she is in touch with reality most of the time, but that she has certain quirks and perception issues. She also has some immaturity.
Mind you, I still have my irritation at the assistant vice-president for the abuse that was supposed to be a job interview. I have been avoidant of her. The problem was that I could not avoid her on Tuesday morning as we were both going down the stairs at the same time. We both said good morning to each other and then she asked me how I was doing? I said "eh."
She then asked "Angry?"
I waited to the bottom of the stairway and then said in almost a whisper, "I was told yesterday that my daughter has Asperger's."
I heard her gulp and then she said "I'm sorry."
The reality is that I was indeed angry with her, but that one could not have played better in emotional warfare with a borderline in power. I basically "zinged" her with a one-up, that was blessedly true in this case.
Otherwise, I have decided that I have got to give the anger up towards the assistant vice president. That is my power. It will not be easy to forgive her. I have been abused by people like her in the past, and I have sworn I will not get walked on again by her type.
As a medium stance I will try to have self-pity on her at this time. I think that she will burn out soon in her job since she does not have the emotional intelligence to be in that job.
It helps that her office has been moved off my hallway. I will not see her as much.
Not seeing her as much is good since I have decided with my wife not to look for another job until we have completed my daughter's assessment and consultation processes. My daughter is going to be assessed by some specialists at a center ran by the University of Louisville Medical School.
I have my challenges to stay in the clear and maintain my employment until it is truly time to move on. I have decided that my most concrete work goals will be to work for excellence in my job and smile more at work.
Points of Light
Not all is that bad these days. A friend of mine that I had mentioned in an earlier entry, who had quit his job under fire in a southern state has landed another job on the East Coast. I am very happy for him. Good things do happen.
Tying things together
Okay, tying everything together is going to be tough, but I think I can say something that makes more sense than a bad Southern Baptist Sunday School curriculum book.
Yes, the days and times are numbing. We do not know always what to think for feel given that so much comes at us.
In this tough day and time, peace inside and out is possible. We have an effect on others around us. We can work for positive events and experiences in our workplaces. We can work for positive experiences in our lives. I am making some personal goals, and I am going to focus on what matters.
Furthermore, not all is that bad. It is not all disaster. Some is actually pleasant at times--my friend getting a new job, and the fact that the daffodils are blooming and the Bradford Pears are budding.
What matters to you? Take an inventory of what matters to you. It is as simple as making a list. None of us can address everything on the list, but we can address some of it.
When we are addressing what matters to us, we feel a sense of peace inside and we are not dependent on what is outside of us.
As we progress into 2009, things are looking worse economically. Yet, it does seem that there are flecks of good things.
Here in Louisville, the unemployment rate has reached 9.4 percent. I do not see that as a mystery when much of the manufacturing is automotive based. If Ford is not selling trucks, they do not need the supplies from the local suppliers and so on and more people get laid off.
The chilling externality effect
I have decided that with the continued downturn in the economy, there is a continued negative emotional (not economic) externality, especially in Louisville. In Economics, an externality is a secondary effect or benefit that others feel on account of an action or person.
At my organization this effect is an chilling effect. I think that this is exemplified through my CEO's boss, and then my CEO's in turn passing on a blog from a hospital CEO in Boston about cutbacks.
It is best that I do not tell you what the e-mail said, but it was from another blog here on "Blogger."
The CEO in turn passed it on to the vice presidents and directors, and my director passed it on to us. I determined that other social workers in the hospital did not get it. My supervisor said that she got clearance to pass it on to us from her boss, the micro-managing assistant vice president.
I did a bit of a survey among my subordinates. The message they seemed to get was "Don't whine, it could be worse."
What has it really meant?
Right now I think the aftermath of that distasteful distribution of the blog entry is that I have paranoid people above me and below me.
My boss especially seemed to be having a mood swing in the past week anyway since she has Bipolar Disorder. The chilling effect seems to be playing especially on her. Those with Bipolar Disorder run the risk of being extra sensitive to stress.
My subordinates in one department have become extra paranoid after the blog distribution. They have been trying to pump me for information. I had to set some limits with them. I then decided to throw a small "YIPPEE SKIPPY IT'S SPRING" celebration where I am going to bake some chocolate pies.
Part #2: dealing with the micro-managing vice president and the bad news about my daughter.
On another front in terms of maintaining peace, I have found myself dealing with my own personal challenges. On Monday of this past week, my wife was told by school officials that my daughter has Asperger's Syndrome.
Asperger's is a form of Autism. It has several different forms. My daughter has a fairly mild case of it given that she is in touch with reality most of the time, but that she has certain quirks and perception issues. She also has some immaturity.
Mind you, I still have my irritation at the assistant vice-president for the abuse that was supposed to be a job interview. I have been avoidant of her. The problem was that I could not avoid her on Tuesday morning as we were both going down the stairs at the same time. We both said good morning to each other and then she asked me how I was doing? I said "eh."
She then asked "Angry?"
I waited to the bottom of the stairway and then said in almost a whisper, "I was told yesterday that my daughter has Asperger's."
I heard her gulp and then she said "I'm sorry."
The reality is that I was indeed angry with her, but that one could not have played better in emotional warfare with a borderline in power. I basically "zinged" her with a one-up, that was blessedly true in this case.
Otherwise, I have decided that I have got to give the anger up towards the assistant vice president. That is my power. It will not be easy to forgive her. I have been abused by people like her in the past, and I have sworn I will not get walked on again by her type.
As a medium stance I will try to have self-pity on her at this time. I think that she will burn out soon in her job since she does not have the emotional intelligence to be in that job.
It helps that her office has been moved off my hallway. I will not see her as much.
Not seeing her as much is good since I have decided with my wife not to look for another job until we have completed my daughter's assessment and consultation processes. My daughter is going to be assessed by some specialists at a center ran by the University of Louisville Medical School.
I have my challenges to stay in the clear and maintain my employment until it is truly time to move on. I have decided that my most concrete work goals will be to work for excellence in my job and smile more at work.
Points of Light
Not all is that bad these days. A friend of mine that I had mentioned in an earlier entry, who had quit his job under fire in a southern state has landed another job on the East Coast. I am very happy for him. Good things do happen.
Tying things together
Okay, tying everything together is going to be tough, but I think I can say something that makes more sense than a bad Southern Baptist Sunday School curriculum book.
Yes, the days and times are numbing. We do not know always what to think for feel given that so much comes at us.
In this tough day and time, peace inside and out is possible. We have an effect on others around us. We can work for positive events and experiences in our workplaces. We can work for positive experiences in our lives. I am making some personal goals, and I am going to focus on what matters.
Furthermore, not all is that bad. It is not all disaster. Some is actually pleasant at times--my friend getting a new job, and the fact that the daffodils are blooming and the Bradford Pears are budding.
What matters to you? Take an inventory of what matters to you. It is as simple as making a list. None of us can address everything on the list, but we can address some of it.
When we are addressing what matters to us, we feel a sense of peace inside and we are not dependent on what is outside of us.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Yep, It's Job Lock, but I SHOULD Be Happy I Have a JOB
The past two weeks have been painful yet interesting. I have been the victim of emotional abuse and micro-management.
The assistant vice president that I have alluded to with the loud high heels has showed some true colors. I want out and I am not happy. It is job lock now but I should be happy that I at least still have a job in this time.
The Story.
There was another promotion available. I applied for it. I got a 12 minute interview with the now permanent assistant vice president. She played mind games.
She told me that if I was ever going to advance in management I was going to have to do something about my communication style. It was the words I used, the way I talked and the facial expressions.
She told me that the only way I was going to be able to make the changes was to get a mentor to watch and point out the problem. She said that this position was going to be in the schools promoting this program.
I tried to sell myself anyway about my style and my strengths. We did not go anywhere to my experience. It was not about my demonstration of management ability over the two work teams.
I just said, "Basically, if I understand what you are saying, you are not going to advance me in the process for this position." I then asked, "If my boss's position came open, would I be a candidate for that job."
The assistant vice president said, "You'll have to ask J---." I left.
I went back to my office and calmly told the narcissist that works under me that I wanted him to know that I was told I was not going to be considered for the job. He showed some empathy (false as he is a narcissist). I (probably too much) told him that I was told it was because of my communication style. He immediately decided to apply for the job.
I decided to write an e-mail to her about two hours thanking her for the interview and asking her for resources to address the concern.
She wrote back that night as her e-mail was time stamped at 9:30.
I would suggest that you reach out to other mentors to get their feedback and see what ideas you may have from there. Thanks,
Then she wrote again on Monday--a second response to the same e-mail.
That would really be a personal decision. I know that when I have been coached about things that I heard I could, and then I wanted, to increase my self awareness about, I have done some work in therapy, as well as worked ongoing with mentors who I felt like were safe and honest for me.
Hell-ohhhhhhh? You already responded. How dumb are you? What are you really hiding?
She did give the narcissist an 90 minute interview. He came back saying it was a waste of time. I had thought that he actually stood a good chance. He wrote an e-mail two days later saying that she called late at night and said "No Thanks."
I heard from someone else in that department with the opening that assistant vice president had already offered the job to a social worker in that department. The source (likely dependable) said that the assistant vice president had also talked money with the anointed. The particular anointed person only has had her clinical license three (3) months and communicates like a closed book.
I weighed whether or not to call the corporate complaint line about the ethics problem evident here. I cooled my jets enough to see that I did not have confirmation or any hard piece of evidence. If someone else came forward--particularly the anointed and bragged about it, I would definitely call the corporate compliance line.
My organization has a explicitly spelled out policy for how positions are to be filled. The assistant vice president essentially has executed two masquerades. She has put and is putting people who will not think but will do exactly what she says to do. They are what I would estimate to be not as smart as her. She is being a micro-manager.
Cult Leaders are Micro-Managers
Micro-managers are cult leaders such as Jim Jones was over the People's Temple and as the Reverend Moon is considered to be over the Unification Church. They are about mind control.
If your boss is a micro-manager, you are made to feel dumb. You are not trusted. They sit on your work.
If your micro-managing boss were a dictator of a country, you would likely be executed after a few years because they trust no one. It is all about them.
Insight from Previous Experience
Micro-managers are actually scared, immature people. They do not act like adults. They are not leaders of people. They usually have high turnover underneath them.
In a number of work situations in Social Work and Mental Health, I have experienced micro-management. The most notable of the micro-managers was at a mental health agency in eastern North Carolina. The Program Director had to know everything and sign off on everything. She would just spit out case material about the patients acting like she knew everything.
When you talked to her, she was anxious and fearful and extremely self-deprecating. Talking to her was like talking to a little girl. (Something like the current assistant VP).
I concluded that if I could get up into management, I would foster a better work environment. I was convinced that I could do better and that is why I went for my doctorate.
In fact I do do better. My subordinates are adults, and I treat them as such. They know what they are doing, and I let them do their jobs. I trust my people and my people trust me.
Furthermore, given the assistant VP's "concern" about my communication, is a red flag if not a red herring. If my communication were a problem, it would have showed up in all the Studer Group "rounding" they do at the hospital. All my subordinates would be complaining about it.
They haven't and it has not shown up in my job reviews in a number of years. Also, patients have not complained about my communication style. It was an excuse the assistant vice-president cooked up.
Furthermore, even if I went and found mentors, the assistant vice-president has established her as the existential judge of my communication style. Her criteria and her opinion are subjective--like all micro-managers. She would likely find something else.
The Current State of Affairs
The assistant vice president has now acted withdrawn and scared. Of course, I think that I am assuming what her thoughts are, and I am interpreting her behavior at therisk of being wrong.
I think that she is being assuming and reactive, but then so do a number of my colleagues. I think that she is projected much of her fear upon me, but then again, I am assuming what she is thinking, which no one can know unless she admits it. Micro-managers do not admit much of anything.
The Problem with Insight
Insight is knowledge that one uses to make decisions and cope. I think that I have insight into the situation--that is why I blog this stuff.
One of the things I have to admit is that insight only goes so far in making you feel better. I still have to live with the dynamic of the scared child that is the assistant vice president.
She is still in power and she walks by my department door in her loud heels. I have actually liked that she has been withdrawn, but it is a very unhealthy dynamic.
It is the oppressive dynamic present when there is a borderline personality is in control and I still have to experience it.
She is the one in power and she is going to have say something first. That is not going to happen given her demonstrated immaturity.
Job Lock
I am now motivated to get out of this place. I am confident that the assistant vice president is reinforcing her own fear. I see myself going nowhere else at this organization. If I could leave today, I would. I do not deserve the abuse. This is now about me.
However, there are no job openings except in Washington DC, where my wife said that she would not go. While I am working on her, I am in "job lock" and I should just be happy I have a job in the first place. "Job lock" was a buzz word of the late 1990's. It basically means that someone is hating their job, being abused in their job, in a lousy working environment or cannot move any further, but they need the money and benefits. That is my story right now.
However, I know some people who do not have jobs right now who probably would accept my situation right now for a paycheck, but then they do not have the necessary education and training.
There are employers that are exploiting their people right now in the name of the economy. It seems to be like the sweat shops of the late1800's and early 1900's where immigrant laborers were exploited by exploitative industrialists. Some things are cyclical--when the economy gets better, these exploitive employers will have high turnoverbecause people can leave.
What am I Doing Right Now?
There are several things I am doing to cope with the situation. None of them are perfect in taking away the pain, but they help.
I am doing the best that I can right now. It is not easy, but I am consoling myself with that idea.
I am reading some books on communication that are telling me to do basically what I am doing now. I am not finding any mentors nor do I have any mentors in mind.
I have got my wife looking for jobs online. She may yet be open to Washington DC.
I am praying hard and thinking about the Bible verses of God's assuances. God is bigger than the situation and the economy.
I am trying to keep my mouth shut at work. I read some of the Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz which gives some rather "New Age" but good advice. I like the part about doing your best all the time.
I am trying to work on all my projects at home and focus my energy. I am blogging stuff like this to vent.
I figure that many others are in the same situation as me. I would love to have comments back on this. Let's complain and comiserate together. We will get through this time. It hurts now, but we will be okay.
The assistant vice president that I have alluded to with the loud high heels has showed some true colors. I want out and I am not happy. It is job lock now but I should be happy that I at least still have a job in this time.
The Story.
There was another promotion available. I applied for it. I got a 12 minute interview with the now permanent assistant vice president. She played mind games.
She told me that if I was ever going to advance in management I was going to have to do something about my communication style. It was the words I used, the way I talked and the facial expressions.
She told me that the only way I was going to be able to make the changes was to get a mentor to watch and point out the problem. She said that this position was going to be in the schools promoting this program.
I tried to sell myself anyway about my style and my strengths. We did not go anywhere to my experience. It was not about my demonstration of management ability over the two work teams.
I just said, "Basically, if I understand what you are saying, you are not going to advance me in the process for this position." I then asked, "If my boss's position came open, would I be a candidate for that job."
The assistant vice president said, "You'll have to ask J---." I left.
I went back to my office and calmly told the narcissist that works under me that I wanted him to know that I was told I was not going to be considered for the job. He showed some empathy (false as he is a narcissist). I (probably too much) told him that I was told it was because of my communication style. He immediately decided to apply for the job.
I decided to write an e-mail to her about two hours thanking her for the interview and asking her for resources to address the concern.
She wrote back that night as her e-mail was time stamped at 9:30.
I would suggest that you reach out to other mentors to get their feedback and see what ideas you may have from there. Thanks,
Then she wrote again on Monday--a second response to the same e-mail.
That would really be a personal decision. I know that when I have been coached about things that I heard I could, and then I wanted, to increase my self awareness about, I have done some work in therapy, as well as worked ongoing with mentors who I felt like were safe and honest for me.
Hell-ohhhhhhh? You already responded. How dumb are you? What are you really hiding?
She did give the narcissist an 90 minute interview. He came back saying it was a waste of time. I had thought that he actually stood a good chance. He wrote an e-mail two days later saying that she called late at night and said "No Thanks."
I heard from someone else in that department with the opening that assistant vice president had already offered the job to a social worker in that department. The source (likely dependable) said that the assistant vice president had also talked money with the anointed. The particular anointed person only has had her clinical license three (3) months and communicates like a closed book.
I weighed whether or not to call the corporate complaint line about the ethics problem evident here. I cooled my jets enough to see that I did not have confirmation or any hard piece of evidence. If someone else came forward--particularly the anointed and bragged about it, I would definitely call the corporate compliance line.
My organization has a explicitly spelled out policy for how positions are to be filled. The assistant vice president essentially has executed two masquerades. She has put and is putting people who will not think but will do exactly what she says to do. They are what I would estimate to be not as smart as her. She is being a micro-manager.
Cult Leaders are Micro-Managers
Micro-managers are cult leaders such as Jim Jones was over the People's Temple and as the Reverend Moon is considered to be over the Unification Church. They are about mind control.
If your boss is a micro-manager, you are made to feel dumb. You are not trusted. They sit on your work.
If your micro-managing boss were a dictator of a country, you would likely be executed after a few years because they trust no one. It is all about them.
Insight from Previous Experience
Micro-managers are actually scared, immature people. They do not act like adults. They are not leaders of people. They usually have high turnover underneath them.
In a number of work situations in Social Work and Mental Health, I have experienced micro-management. The most notable of the micro-managers was at a mental health agency in eastern North Carolina. The Program Director had to know everything and sign off on everything. She would just spit out case material about the patients acting like she knew everything.
When you talked to her, she was anxious and fearful and extremely self-deprecating. Talking to her was like talking to a little girl. (Something like the current assistant VP).
I concluded that if I could get up into management, I would foster a better work environment. I was convinced that I could do better and that is why I went for my doctorate.
In fact I do do better. My subordinates are adults, and I treat them as such. They know what they are doing, and I let them do their jobs. I trust my people and my people trust me.
Furthermore, given the assistant VP's "concern" about my communication, is a red flag if not a red herring. If my communication were a problem, it would have showed up in all the Studer Group "rounding" they do at the hospital. All my subordinates would be complaining about it.
They haven't and it has not shown up in my job reviews in a number of years. Also, patients have not complained about my communication style. It was an excuse the assistant vice-president cooked up.
Furthermore, even if I went and found mentors, the assistant vice-president has established her as the existential judge of my communication style. Her criteria and her opinion are subjective--like all micro-managers. She would likely find something else.
The Current State of Affairs
The assistant vice president has now acted withdrawn and scared. Of course, I think that I am assuming what her thoughts are, and I am interpreting her behavior at therisk of being wrong.
I think that she is being assuming and reactive, but then so do a number of my colleagues. I think that she is projected much of her fear upon me, but then again, I am assuming what she is thinking, which no one can know unless she admits it. Micro-managers do not admit much of anything.
The Problem with Insight
Insight is knowledge that one uses to make decisions and cope. I think that I have insight into the situation--that is why I blog this stuff.
One of the things I have to admit is that insight only goes so far in making you feel better. I still have to live with the dynamic of the scared child that is the assistant vice president.
She is still in power and she walks by my department door in her loud heels. I have actually liked that she has been withdrawn, but it is a very unhealthy dynamic.
It is the oppressive dynamic present when there is a borderline personality is in control and I still have to experience it.
She is the one in power and she is going to have say something first. That is not going to happen given her demonstrated immaturity.
Job Lock
I am now motivated to get out of this place. I am confident that the assistant vice president is reinforcing her own fear. I see myself going nowhere else at this organization. If I could leave today, I would. I do not deserve the abuse. This is now about me.
However, there are no job openings except in Washington DC, where my wife said that she would not go. While I am working on her, I am in "job lock" and I should just be happy I have a job in the first place. "Job lock" was a buzz word of the late 1990's. It basically means that someone is hating their job, being abused in their job, in a lousy working environment or cannot move any further, but they need the money and benefits. That is my story right now.
However, I know some people who do not have jobs right now who probably would accept my situation right now for a paycheck, but then they do not have the necessary education and training.
There are employers that are exploiting their people right now in the name of the economy. It seems to be like the sweat shops of the late1800's and early 1900's where immigrant laborers were exploited by exploitative industrialists. Some things are cyclical--when the economy gets better, these exploitive employers will have high turnoverbecause people can leave.
What am I Doing Right Now?
There are several things I am doing to cope with the situation. None of them are perfect in taking away the pain, but they help.
I am doing the best that I can right now. It is not easy, but I am consoling myself with that idea.
I am reading some books on communication that are telling me to do basically what I am doing now. I am not finding any mentors nor do I have any mentors in mind.
I have got my wife looking for jobs online. She may yet be open to Washington DC.
I am praying hard and thinking about the Bible verses of God's assuances. God is bigger than the situation and the economy.
I am trying to keep my mouth shut at work. I read some of the Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz which gives some rather "New Age" but good advice. I like the part about doing your best all the time.
I am trying to work on all my projects at home and focus my energy. I am blogging stuff like this to vent.
I figure that many others are in the same situation as me. I would love to have comments back on this. Let's complain and comiserate together. We will get through this time. It hurts now, but we will be okay.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Feeling trapped in a shrinking room.
In talking to people this week, I have decided that the best metaphor for right now is "being trapped in a shrinking room." With the current world and national situation, things seem to be closing in on many of us.
We like our freedom. We like to have options.
At this time in our history it seems that we are feeling anything but our freedom and our options. The options that are available are few and we are feeling vulnerable.
In fact, it seems that many of us feel that the number of options available to us are diminishing in number as the economy contracts. We see this effect in both personal and global terms.
By this time it is very possible that you personally know someone who is a victim of the economy. You either know someone who has taken a bath in the stock market and lost a substantial part of their retirement or you know someone who has been laid off.
Furthermore, your workplace is probably flush with talk about options management is considering to reduce loss and survive--some seem reasonable, and some seem unethical. I have one friend who told me that he had quit his job because management told him that they were going to write him and others up and then fire him and them for cause the next week. (Naturally--firing for cause could mean no unemployment depending on what it is.)
In the media magnfied informational intensity we see frequent new stories about the poor performance of the markets and the rising unemployment rate. Congress just passed a stimulus package, but in the back-stepping language of the President and key congressional leaders, it will still take some time for the economy to recover. We are not exactly getting feel good stories out of Washington that make us feel any more assured that our pain is going to be alleviated tomorrow.
Of course, one particular friend has talked about his wife wanting to move back to near her parents. I can relate to this indirectly. While those of us who are married want to please our spouses in every sense of the word, we cannot deliver based on our limitations.
Houses are not exactly selling. Unless you paid outright for your house 15 years ago, it is very unlikely that you can sell your house for any meaningful gain. Furthermore, unless you paid the ton of money to be in one of those perennially hot neighborhoods in your city, your house is not going to sell quickly either. Many of us are trapped in mortgages which means good sense says we must stay where we are if at all possible.
Jobs are not exactly plentiful. While there are a few echelons of society that can move about because of the nature of their work, the 92 percent or so of us who have jobs are not going to be able to transfer or just move across the country.
Of course, then there is the situation (I am sure is existing) where someone lost their job and they can only get a job in another city and their house is not going to sell. This is the poor fortune of many in the formally hot real estate markets.
One personal story I can add comes from the recession of 1991-1992. (You can read previous posts to get other bits of it.) The guy I was renting a room from was being emotionally abusive out of the grief and loss of his mother. He was also beating the drum that he was going to sell the house in a few months and that I would have to find another place to live. His abuse increased so much that I called my parents and discussed my distress. My mom suggested that I look at the YMCA.
With the grace of God, I had a plan to be move out and to another city to pursue another life course before he sold the house. (He actually lived in the house another year before selling it.)
When I felt the world closing in around me, I did find that it did not close all the way. I felt claustrophobic in a sense, but I did not suffocate.
Of course I can look back on it now. But I remember that it was not pleasant in the least. It was still like being lost in a desert where I had miserable dry mouth and no water in sight.
How do we get through it?
The question is: how do we get through it? Of course, I have no easy answer. I can only suggest options. Options that I am willing to try myself.
1. Practice gratitude.
The vast majority of people have what they need: food, clothing, and shelter today and every day. Gratitude is practiced daily.
2 Practice mindfulness of your own situation and act accordingly.
Most of us do just fine managing our bills. So let's do what we do well. Make sure you stay up on your own bills and stay within your means.
3. Work on setting limits and boundaries.
When people cannot say "no" they get themselves into trouble. Of course the average kid whines because you are going to a restaurant today or this week. This is an opportunity to build character and inner strength. (No pain no gain).
On the other hand, when you are saying no to something, you are saying yes to something else. Homemade pizza may not be like going to Red Lobster, but kids are often happy to eat it.
We may have to apprise our loved ones of the truth, facts, and reality. Of course they are not going to like it. Sometimes they must wake up and appreciate the limits of life. There is less pain overall when we do it (mind you I said less pain--not no pain).
4. Stay in the moment.
Imagine yourself looking up at a mountain. The mountain looks large an impossible from a distance. However, each of us is only going to be able to take it one step at a time.
Staring at the big picture is unhealthy if that is all that we do. I think most of us already understand the big picture. It is going to be there . . . and be there . . . and be there.
You and I can only live today. We can only take care of the moment. We can negotiate with the world around us today.
Conclusion
You and I are going to feel like we are in a shrinking room for some time. I feel vulnerable at times.
If you are like me, you occasionally ask if you will have a job next week. This is when I find myself praying and thanking God for what I have today and that I trust him for the future.
This is when I focus on my list of personal goals to improve myself. This is when I create memories with my children that come out of my creativity as opposed to spending money.
Mind you I cannot get you over your own hump. It is okay to be hurting right now. That is what we do. But we will get over our humps and we will get through this time and we will get through the pain.
We like our freedom. We like to have options.
At this time in our history it seems that we are feeling anything but our freedom and our options. The options that are available are few and we are feeling vulnerable.
In fact, it seems that many of us feel that the number of options available to us are diminishing in number as the economy contracts. We see this effect in both personal and global terms.
By this time it is very possible that you personally know someone who is a victim of the economy. You either know someone who has taken a bath in the stock market and lost a substantial part of their retirement or you know someone who has been laid off.
Furthermore, your workplace is probably flush with talk about options management is considering to reduce loss and survive--some seem reasonable, and some seem unethical. I have one friend who told me that he had quit his job because management told him that they were going to write him and others up and then fire him and them for cause the next week. (Naturally--firing for cause could mean no unemployment depending on what it is.)
In the media magnfied informational intensity we see frequent new stories about the poor performance of the markets and the rising unemployment rate. Congress just passed a stimulus package, but in the back-stepping language of the President and key congressional leaders, it will still take some time for the economy to recover. We are not exactly getting feel good stories out of Washington that make us feel any more assured that our pain is going to be alleviated tomorrow.
Of course, one particular friend has talked about his wife wanting to move back to near her parents. I can relate to this indirectly. While those of us who are married want to please our spouses in every sense of the word, we cannot deliver based on our limitations.
Houses are not exactly selling. Unless you paid outright for your house 15 years ago, it is very unlikely that you can sell your house for any meaningful gain. Furthermore, unless you paid the ton of money to be in one of those perennially hot neighborhoods in your city, your house is not going to sell quickly either. Many of us are trapped in mortgages which means good sense says we must stay where we are if at all possible.
Jobs are not exactly plentiful. While there are a few echelons of society that can move about because of the nature of their work, the 92 percent or so of us who have jobs are not going to be able to transfer or just move across the country.
Of course, then there is the situation (I am sure is existing) where someone lost their job and they can only get a job in another city and their house is not going to sell. This is the poor fortune of many in the formally hot real estate markets.
One personal story I can add comes from the recession of 1991-1992. (You can read previous posts to get other bits of it.) The guy I was renting a room from was being emotionally abusive out of the grief and loss of his mother. He was also beating the drum that he was going to sell the house in a few months and that I would have to find another place to live. His abuse increased so much that I called my parents and discussed my distress. My mom suggested that I look at the YMCA.
With the grace of God, I had a plan to be move out and to another city to pursue another life course before he sold the house. (He actually lived in the house another year before selling it.)
When I felt the world closing in around me, I did find that it did not close all the way. I felt claustrophobic in a sense, but I did not suffocate.
Of course I can look back on it now. But I remember that it was not pleasant in the least. It was still like being lost in a desert where I had miserable dry mouth and no water in sight.
How do we get through it?
The question is: how do we get through it? Of course, I have no easy answer. I can only suggest options. Options that I am willing to try myself.
1. Practice gratitude.
The vast majority of people have what they need: food, clothing, and shelter today and every day. Gratitude is practiced daily.
2 Practice mindfulness of your own situation and act accordingly.
Most of us do just fine managing our bills. So let's do what we do well. Make sure you stay up on your own bills and stay within your means.
3. Work on setting limits and boundaries.
When people cannot say "no" they get themselves into trouble. Of course the average kid whines because you are going to a restaurant today or this week. This is an opportunity to build character and inner strength. (No pain no gain).
On the other hand, when you are saying no to something, you are saying yes to something else. Homemade pizza may not be like going to Red Lobster, but kids are often happy to eat it.
We may have to apprise our loved ones of the truth, facts, and reality. Of course they are not going to like it. Sometimes they must wake up and appreciate the limits of life. There is less pain overall when we do it (mind you I said less pain--not no pain).
4. Stay in the moment.
Imagine yourself looking up at a mountain. The mountain looks large an impossible from a distance. However, each of us is only going to be able to take it one step at a time.
Staring at the big picture is unhealthy if that is all that we do. I think most of us already understand the big picture. It is going to be there . . . and be there . . . and be there.
You and I can only live today. We can only take care of the moment. We can negotiate with the world around us today.
Conclusion
You and I are going to feel like we are in a shrinking room for some time. I feel vulnerable at times.
If you are like me, you occasionally ask if you will have a job next week. This is when I find myself praying and thanking God for what I have today and that I trust him for the future.
This is when I focus on my list of personal goals to improve myself. This is when I create memories with my children that come out of my creativity as opposed to spending money.
Mind you I cannot get you over your own hump. It is okay to be hurting right now. That is what we do. But we will get over our humps and we will get through this time and we will get through the pain.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Character When the Pain is Real
I can finally write this stuff. I have been unable to write for about eight days the pain of it all has been too great to write it.
I thought that I had applied for an internal promotion at work. I applied on the in-house, web-based system and uploaded my new resume. I told my supervisor that I had applied for it. I told the people around me that I had applied for it.
My goal was to be open with everyone to cut down on the gossip in the office and I also told people that I did not think that I would get it because I figured that the chosen one was going to get it, and I was not the chosen one.
About 13 days later, I called a particular person in human resources about the process. I wanted to know where things were? Well, the next day I found out the truth.
The Bomb Drops.
Two weeks after I thought I had applied, they announced the "winner." For me, my boss announced it in a department meeting the day after they had announced it. I (in a rare impulse) blurted that I did not get an interview for it.
I ran down to human resources after the meeting. I got a blank look from the clerk. She did not have me as having applied for the job.
I went home depressed. I had plans for going to the neighborhood association meeting and face all those vigilantes who soundly defeated me from being the chair. I forced myself to move.
I went into the bank after dinner and the branch manager handled my transaction. He asked me how I was doing? I told him that I probably could probably have complain about stuff but that I was okay given what I had under the circumstances.
This wowed me. He shook my hand and told me that I seemed to be someone of character. He at least had me thinking about the operative word Character.
I managed my way through the neighborhood association meeting even though vigilante #1 (on my block) walked by me in her borderline personality way without saying a word to me and avoiding eye contact with me for the whole meeting. I was able to get to sleep without the need for medication.
The day after.
My boss talked to her boss. My boss had been a cheerleader for my getting a promotion since I was open with her. Both sent me me either e-mails or copies of e-mails to human resources. My boss told me that another promotion was coming open. One human resource recruiter responded back in a cold, bureaucratic way without apology that there were only so many people who had applied for the job (he got an "F" in internal customer service from me).
The two human resources people that I had talked to were quite confused and it took a second conversation to get the point across that the *&#$ website did not work for me. I finally got an apology for the organization moving from the paper to web-based system.
The phone call with Human Resources took place in front of "Fritz" and the nurse who I have cited as being guilty of awfulizing. The nurse complimented me about how I talked to the H.R. rep. Both Fritz and the nurse gave me rare sympathy.
It also turned out that there was something of a human drama where me, my boss, and my boss's boss all made assumptions. I assumed that my application had gone through. My boss, who had interviewed two of the individuals assumed her boss was interviewing me separately. My boss's boss had assumed I had changed my mind because she had not received my application.
The Emotional Fallout
I was very mad. I felt that I was cheated. I felt stupid. I felt awkward. I was numb. I thought my boss's boss had made some serious mistakes because she had moved the hiring process at warp speed as it was only 14 days from first internal listing to actually announcing the winner.
I did not hear my boss's boss's high heals clunking in the hallway the next day. I knew she was in the office given her two e-mails, but I got the sense that she was avoidant. I thought that was good because I needed the distance. Everything she had done to that point was at warp speed.
She has identified herself as a "high performer." I have identified her as "driven" and a "bull in a china shop" because of her string of rapid decisions with subsequent recinds. Driven is really not a good state to be in because there is really no inner peace and the judgment in terms of management decisions tends to be poor.
I tried to logically tell myself that I was receiving divine redirection. To be truthful, it still did not end the pain.
I did have one conversation on the day after the announcement with my boss. My boss (being a borderline personality) was coping probably worse that I was. She was calling me again and again with some pretty weird concerns. She then called me down to her office.
She immediately started to discuss the problem about working for her since I was applying for other jobs. I told her that since I have the Ph.D. I owed it to my family to move off the line (I should have said myself included). We talked about the boffo of my not getting the inteview for the promotion. I told her openly that it was awkward, but it at least helped that finally someone from human resources apologized for the web-based system. The conversation was of marginal help.
The weekend aftermath.
In the midst of the next several days I had felt pretty dark. I was sad and but I had spurts of energy with my anger. I was mad at myself and I was mad at my boss's boss.
I had hopes for a promotion with a salary increase. I had hopes for the next promotion that I could actually have the title "manager" or "director." I found myself grieving.
So, I have been feeling stuck, like I imagine others to be feeling.
During the next few days, the news about increasing unemployment rates also made me depressed. I thought back to my days in early 1992 when I was looking for a ministerial job after I had graduated from seminary and I had received two flush letters from churches that were cold--and my hopes for being in parish ministry as an associate were dashed in the midst of a recession.
I still hurt eight days later. This kind of crap hurts. It is supposed to hurt. It is human to hurt.
We try to pose as tough, mature human beings, but no matter how tough the exterior shell or mask we put on we still hurt on the tender inside. Being tough can be a private hell if it is taken to extremes.
Accepting our tender side makes us real, and free. Being real has been one of my pursuits.
While we need interpersonal boundaries and not give too much information to people, telling trusted people that we are hurting in and of itself is healing and relieving of sorts--it is much of the basis of what helps people in individual therapy.
This last week of January 2009 has not been one of the worst in the history of the United States, but it has been painful. The joy of Barack Obama becoming the first African-American president appears to have been forgotten with all the news stories of layoffs and unemployment.
The pain will go on for awhile. Right now the news media is not exactly offering us any hope. The president is not exactly offering us any hope either. (Of course, I think that he is using the current rhetoric of pending economic depression to push his stimulus package through.)
Many of us are screaming inside. Many of us are anxious and worried if our jobs will be safe or if we will ever get another job? The current news is not helping.
I had a lot of restless energy to deal with during the days both from the national news, and my personal stuff. I wore myself out in two ways: I took a hatchet and chopped up a lot of tile on the garage floor, and I concentrated on my next journal article submission. I also baked a lot of pizza for an office pizza party.
During the chopping of the floor, I wondered if my whole chances of advancement in the organization were shot? I pondered what I needed to do to make some kind of recovery?
I asked myself "What was important?" What did I need to do? I also was grateful to the bank manager for supplying the word "character."
I sensed that there was a triangle of drama that I needed to nip in the bud like I have done in my current job. I decided that I needed to make myself indispensible. I decided that I needed to show character. I decided that I needed to press on in the pain.
I decided that this was possibly the best type of job interview where I had was going to show that I was one of the greatest employees they could promote. I also decided that this was a great test of whether or not the boss's boss was going to be someone I could work for. As quirky as those thoughts were, I made my my plans.
I decided that I needed to make every effort to show what character I had so that they were on my team the next time I applied for a promotion (should that opportunity present itself). The harder things of showing character meant making an apology. I needed to make an apology to my boss and my boss's boss for assuming that my application had gone through.
I decided that I have gained some trust or stature with the more difficult work team. They have seen me handle personal adversity with character.
Well, I did make the apologies. I made the pizza.
I did not get to serve the pizza given that there has been ice and snow in Louisville that shut down the city for the better part of the week. But since I made the apologies, I have ruminated less than I thought I would.
I also completed the draft of my journal article (where I cut 59 pages down to 36). I think that I used the adrenaline generated from the anger.
I have been jamming to angry or hard songs like Gotta Be Someboy by Nickelback and Paralyzer by Finger Eleven. My wife thinks that I am blowing out my one good ear. Maybe I am.
I think that I have been doing the best that I can do. It is all I can do in the moment.
The best that we can do is rarely ever perfect, but it is where character is shown when the pain is real. It is one thing to take solace in.
I thought that I had applied for an internal promotion at work. I applied on the in-house, web-based system and uploaded my new resume. I told my supervisor that I had applied for it. I told the people around me that I had applied for it.
My goal was to be open with everyone to cut down on the gossip in the office and I also told people that I did not think that I would get it because I figured that the chosen one was going to get it, and I was not the chosen one.
About 13 days later, I called a particular person in human resources about the process. I wanted to know where things were? Well, the next day I found out the truth.
The Bomb Drops.
Two weeks after I thought I had applied, they announced the "winner." For me, my boss announced it in a department meeting the day after they had announced it. I (in a rare impulse) blurted that I did not get an interview for it.
I ran down to human resources after the meeting. I got a blank look from the clerk. She did not have me as having applied for the job.
I went home depressed. I had plans for going to the neighborhood association meeting and face all those vigilantes who soundly defeated me from being the chair. I forced myself to move.
I went into the bank after dinner and the branch manager handled my transaction. He asked me how I was doing? I told him that I probably could probably have complain about stuff but that I was okay given what I had under the circumstances.
This wowed me. He shook my hand and told me that I seemed to be someone of character. He at least had me thinking about the operative word Character.
I managed my way through the neighborhood association meeting even though vigilante #1 (on my block) walked by me in her borderline personality way without saying a word to me and avoiding eye contact with me for the whole meeting. I was able to get to sleep without the need for medication.
The day after.
My boss talked to her boss. My boss had been a cheerleader for my getting a promotion since I was open with her. Both sent me me either e-mails or copies of e-mails to human resources. My boss told me that another promotion was coming open. One human resource recruiter responded back in a cold, bureaucratic way without apology that there were only so many people who had applied for the job (he got an "F" in internal customer service from me).
The two human resources people that I had talked to were quite confused and it took a second conversation to get the point across that the *&#$ website did not work for me. I finally got an apology for the organization moving from the paper to web-based system.
The phone call with Human Resources took place in front of "Fritz" and the nurse who I have cited as being guilty of awfulizing. The nurse complimented me about how I talked to the H.R. rep. Both Fritz and the nurse gave me rare sympathy.
It also turned out that there was something of a human drama where me, my boss, and my boss's boss all made assumptions. I assumed that my application had gone through. My boss, who had interviewed two of the individuals assumed her boss was interviewing me separately. My boss's boss had assumed I had changed my mind because she had not received my application.
The Emotional Fallout
I was very mad. I felt that I was cheated. I felt stupid. I felt awkward. I was numb. I thought my boss's boss had made some serious mistakes because she had moved the hiring process at warp speed as it was only 14 days from first internal listing to actually announcing the winner.
I did not hear my boss's boss's high heals clunking in the hallway the next day. I knew she was in the office given her two e-mails, but I got the sense that she was avoidant. I thought that was good because I needed the distance. Everything she had done to that point was at warp speed.
She has identified herself as a "high performer." I have identified her as "driven" and a "bull in a china shop" because of her string of rapid decisions with subsequent recinds. Driven is really not a good state to be in because there is really no inner peace and the judgment in terms of management decisions tends to be poor.
I tried to logically tell myself that I was receiving divine redirection. To be truthful, it still did not end the pain.
I did have one conversation on the day after the announcement with my boss. My boss (being a borderline personality) was coping probably worse that I was. She was calling me again and again with some pretty weird concerns. She then called me down to her office.
She immediately started to discuss the problem about working for her since I was applying for other jobs. I told her that since I have the Ph.D. I owed it to my family to move off the line (I should have said myself included). We talked about the boffo of my not getting the inteview for the promotion. I told her openly that it was awkward, but it at least helped that finally someone from human resources apologized for the web-based system. The conversation was of marginal help.
The weekend aftermath.
In the midst of the next several days I had felt pretty dark. I was sad and but I had spurts of energy with my anger. I was mad at myself and I was mad at my boss's boss.
I had hopes for a promotion with a salary increase. I had hopes for the next promotion that I could actually have the title "manager" or "director." I found myself grieving.
So, I have been feeling stuck, like I imagine others to be feeling.
During the next few days, the news about increasing unemployment rates also made me depressed. I thought back to my days in early 1992 when I was looking for a ministerial job after I had graduated from seminary and I had received two flush letters from churches that were cold--and my hopes for being in parish ministry as an associate were dashed in the midst of a recession.
I still hurt eight days later. This kind of crap hurts. It is supposed to hurt. It is human to hurt.
We try to pose as tough, mature human beings, but no matter how tough the exterior shell or mask we put on we still hurt on the tender inside. Being tough can be a private hell if it is taken to extremes.
Accepting our tender side makes us real, and free. Being real has been one of my pursuits.
While we need interpersonal boundaries and not give too much information to people, telling trusted people that we are hurting in and of itself is healing and relieving of sorts--it is much of the basis of what helps people in individual therapy.
This last week of January 2009 has not been one of the worst in the history of the United States, but it has been painful. The joy of Barack Obama becoming the first African-American president appears to have been forgotten with all the news stories of layoffs and unemployment.
The pain will go on for awhile. Right now the news media is not exactly offering us any hope. The president is not exactly offering us any hope either. (Of course, I think that he is using the current rhetoric of pending economic depression to push his stimulus package through.)
Many of us are screaming inside. Many of us are anxious and worried if our jobs will be safe or if we will ever get another job? The current news is not helping.
I had a lot of restless energy to deal with during the days both from the national news, and my personal stuff. I wore myself out in two ways: I took a hatchet and chopped up a lot of tile on the garage floor, and I concentrated on my next journal article submission. I also baked a lot of pizza for an office pizza party.
During the chopping of the floor, I wondered if my whole chances of advancement in the organization were shot? I pondered what I needed to do to make some kind of recovery?
I asked myself "What was important?" What did I need to do? I also was grateful to the bank manager for supplying the word "character."
I sensed that there was a triangle of drama that I needed to nip in the bud like I have done in my current job. I decided that I needed to make myself indispensible. I decided that I needed to show character. I decided that I needed to press on in the pain.
I decided that this was possibly the best type of job interview where I had was going to show that I was one of the greatest employees they could promote. I also decided that this was a great test of whether or not the boss's boss was going to be someone I could work for. As quirky as those thoughts were, I made my my plans.
I decided that I needed to make every effort to show what character I had so that they were on my team the next time I applied for a promotion (should that opportunity present itself). The harder things of showing character meant making an apology. I needed to make an apology to my boss and my boss's boss for assuming that my application had gone through.
I decided that I have gained some trust or stature with the more difficult work team. They have seen me handle personal adversity with character.
Well, I did make the apologies. I made the pizza.
I did not get to serve the pizza given that there has been ice and snow in Louisville that shut down the city for the better part of the week. But since I made the apologies, I have ruminated less than I thought I would.
I also completed the draft of my journal article (where I cut 59 pages down to 36). I think that I used the adrenaline generated from the anger.
I have been jamming to angry or hard songs like Gotta Be Someboy by Nickelback and Paralyzer by Finger Eleven. My wife thinks that I am blowing out my one good ear. Maybe I am.
I think that I have been doing the best that I can do. It is all I can do in the moment.
The best that we can do is rarely ever perfect, but it is where character is shown when the pain is real. It is one thing to take solace in.
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