Insecurity

When the economy starts to go south, or when the politicians really sling mud at each other, people feel dissatisfied and insecure. Satisfaction and security seem to be very much related.
My situation lately has been a study in insecurity.

While the economy appears to be stabilizing and the price of oil appears to be going down, the sense of security (at least in me) is improving. Maybe the war going on right now between Russia and Georgia is a little unnerving. But the Olympics and Michael Phelps' achievements remind me that there is more to the world than bad things. Nevertheless, I have been thinking a lot about inner security and insecurity.

Inner security and insecurity are both powerful motivators. They make people do things without thinking based on their level of inner security or insecurity. I also think that many people are not conscious about inner security versus inner insecurity.

Inner security is an important asset that hopefully is a component of maturity. It seems to be another way to look at self-esteem and self-concept.

Inner security is a sense of peace and calmness about what is. Inner security is matter of trust and faith. It does not necessarily mean happiness, but I think people who are secure on the inside tend to find more happy and satisfied moments.

Inner security is a matter of faith in your abilities and your knowledge, and your perceptions.
I think that someone with inner security also trusts their thoughts and senses. The thoughts and senses of anyone are not 100 percent accurate, but I think that the thoughts and senses of a person with inner security are far more accurate than inaccurate.

I have decided that the person with a lack of inner security obsesses on the future and goes “What if? what if? What if?” They look back on the past and say "if only . . . if only . . . if only." They might think "are they? are they? are they?" when it comes to what other people are doing. They try to read other people's minds and interpret everything in terms of themselves and their own insecurities.

Insecure people spend the present looking forwards and backwards and miss what is in front of them because they are so miserable in their obsessive imaginations.

The insecure person confuses imagination with analysis. Analysis can only go as far as the facts and logic. Imagination in this case is only a guess.

Insecurity creates a parallel myopia or tunnel vision. Imagination going too far makes the microscopic look massive. Oh it still is microscopic, but it takes some faith to pull your face away from the microscope and see the big picture as it is clearly a risk.

There was one occasion where there was a young woman, who was clearly a borderline in my group when I was doing group therapy. I had a bottle of water and I put some of that powdered flavoring in my bottle and it clumped. She got all upset because my powder clumped. Why? It was my water and my bottle. It was not her bottle of water and she was not going to drink it—but she was all bent out of shape. I learned something about insecurity.

Another thing I would do from time to time when I did group therapy every day was to put a box of tissue in the middle of the group on its end on the floor. I would then ask who was anxious about it? It became my codependent and borderline detector. They would begin to report anxiety, and irritability, and a strong urge to pick it up off of the floor. They had no inner security to be at peace with things.

Inner security provides a sense trust in your limits. Inner security allows you to be at peace when you have reached your limits as to what you know or what you can do. Insecure people worry and get irritated beyond what they actually know or what they can control.

I think back to the story of the emperor's new clothes. The emperor and the whole town tended to be insecure. They went along with the lies of the advisors because they did not trust their senses. It took the child calling the spade the spade—but mama . . . the emperor has no clothes on.

I have two people that I supervise who are extremely insecure. One is a narcissist and one is a borderline personality. Both in their own ways are control freaks. However, I have determined that their their own ways, they have bonded together in insecurity (I think that the “Frank Burns” and “Hot Lips Houlihan” characters from M*A*S*H* are examples of the borderline and the narcissist.) It is my estimate that the two I am dealing with are so insecure right now, they are latching onto whatever they can. They themselves are otherwise scared. The narcissist acts withdrawn and shy when he is not in control of the situation and the borderline constantly seeks to care-take and smother.

Normally, a narcissist thinks that the world revolves around them. A narcissist can be very challenging of strangers and very inappropriate. A narcissist can act in thoughtless and careless ways. A narcissist can also act grandiose. A narcissist tends to terrorize or hide depending where you are at or how you are feeling at the time. Narcissists also act autocratic and tyrannical. However, the narcissist is very insecure. The narcissist is short-circuited to look only within themselves.

The borderline personality is a person who is also insecure. They feel like they inwardly are abandoned all the time. Their response to the feeling of abandonment is to control everything that they can. There is no sense of peace as to when enough is enough! It is all or nothing with them, and they really cannot tell when they have all? But it sure feels like nothing all of the time.

One more . . . the dependent personality also has similarity to the borderline in terms of abandonment. They are so needy that they can control through their neediness. Borderlines and dependent personalities are very similar in their abandonment. They are always insecure and always anxious about everything. They have no sense of balance and limits.

As a person coming into my own in my 20's and 30's I began to trust my sense and knowledge. I admit that my mother was obsessed with the concept of the “blind spot.” My mother has always been an anxious person. As I figure out where I came from and from what I came from, I realize that my family did not teach inner security.

My mother did not get it from her family given all their alcoholism and emotional neglect. It taught many of the stereotypes of “family business is private business” and “don't air your dirty laundry in public.” Insecurity puts people in hiding and on guard 24-7, and when you do come out, you have to look perfect.

My mom did the best she could in retrospect, but I have had to learn inner security by myself. I wanted what other people had. By some luck or maybe bad luck, I have figured some of it out.

While life is complex and understanding it is always a learning experience, security says that, your experience is largely no different from everyone else's under the sun. So, you have problems—everyone has problems. Insecurity is a lack of faith that makes people not trust and go into their corners. Insecurity is always about protecting yourself even when there are no real threats because insecurity says you can never tell the difference between real and not real threats.

Inner security says—your eyes are as good anyone else's. Trust yourself. Use your brain and your reasoning. To gain inner security I think means to work on looking out at the world. I have had to create a sense of inner security for myself. Yes me . . . I wanted insight . . . I wanted to be happy . . . I wanted to be able to mix it up for myself in this world.

As one of my colleagues has said . . . there are no freebies. I cannot get you over what it will take. It will take you doing it.

I can tell you the beliefs that help foster inner security, but you have to choose. It is the power that you have over your life.

Here are some starting questions to challenge yourself to begin to develop inner security.

The vast majority of people in the world are living out there mixing it up in the world. Why can't you?

Other people do just fine in the world. You can be like them.

Other people have faults. Just like you.

There are very few things in this world that cannot be fixed.

You like all people have the ability to slow down, look at options and resolve situations.

The majority of situations in this world have more than one possible solution.

The vast majority of mistakes people make are small and can be resolved or worked through.

You are going to dwell on the few bad things in this world and continue to feel insecure or you are going to look the larger picture that has both good and bad.

The great news is that life goes on and the vast majority of the people forget what mistakes you have made because they have their own lives to get on with.

The few people who keep reminding you of your mistakes are family members, in-laws or other people who are insecure and are slaves to their insecurity. These people have few friends and have no other life. They keep their world small because they are insecure. They will burn bridges to places out of their world because in their tunnel vision, they cannot see anything else.

Closing comments.

In this time in history—as in all times—there will always be something to be worried about.

Some periods in history will be more stressful. People make it through these situations and periods. Whether it is recession or war, some sense of shock and insecurity is normal.
How you manage it is up to you.

Hopefully, my note to myself and whoever else cares gives you are start to feel less bad today and better tomorrow.