Out and up. A lesson in limits

While in the midst of a Louisville natural disaster, there were some most interesting occurrences that made me look at going for a promotion. I am going as best as I can in chronological order.

There is a method to this madness I am going to describe, so please hang in there. It is a strange situation in which I am finding myself learning about my limits as a human being.

Let me give you a brief background on how my department at the psychiatric hospital works. Over the whole shooting match is a program director. There are two clinical leads (myself and the other one). Then below us are the social workers and program assistants.

For the purposes of telling this story, I am going to start giving the people that I work with monikers or pseudonyms (made up names). It is going to make things cleaner in telling this story, if not give me a chance to cover my backside.

Initial pushes.

About 3.5 weeks ago, Mickey the other clinical lead came up to my office and told me that he thought that I should apply for the clinical manager spot of the admitting department. Mickey said that he thought that I had the clinical skills for the job and that he thought I would would be good for the job. I thanked Mickey for his good thoughts of me and told him that I would think about it.

One of the social workers three weeks ago sheepishly told me that she heard a rumor that I was applying for the admitting department job. I told her that while the other clinical lead had not suggested that I apply, I had not really been motivated to do so because of my dissertation process being in the closing stages.

The day after the CEO and VP were terminated (see earlier entry about “assumptions”), Debbie, program director had wanted to address rumors with me about the hospital situation. I decided to be assertive and told her that there was a rumor that I was interested in the admitting job. I told Debbie that while Mickey had approached me and suggested that I apply for the job, I was really not going to do anything unless I was approached because of my dissertation process. Debbie said that Mickey had a big mouth.

About 1.5 weeks ago, the director of the admitting department approached me in the hallway and told me that he heard that I had been interested in the job. I told him that I had considered it, but was only going to move forward if I had been approached. He said, “let's proceed.”
Almost immediately, I told Debbie that the admitting department director had approached me in the hallway. Debbie then confessed (in the only way she can) that she had told the admitting department director that I might be interested in the job.

I told Debbie that I was still in the decision-making stage, but I would be honest with her as to if I proceed with the application process. She told me that it were her, she would ask for nothing less than $65,000 for the job due to everything they wanted. She immediately wrote me an e-mail about it would be sad to lose me, but would understand because the hospital needs the best person in the position.

This is a bit befuddling. Debbie wrote me an e-mail that she would be sad to lose me, but at the same time she had told the admissions director that I might be interested? She said that Mickey had a big mouth, but then she perpetuated the rumor too?

I decided to approach the former occupant of the job, now working somewhere else in the system. I know her. She is a nice person (or at least pleasantly codependent). I asked her about the last job she had as I was interested in that type of job too. (I dropped the idea after talking to her). We talked on the phone about one day later at night. She talked about having to work third shift as a necessary evil. She talked about the position being on a pager 24-7 and even having to wear the pager on her vacation to Colorado and she was paged at Pikes Peak, but could not respond because of cell phone coverage issues. (Again I felt like dropping the idea after talking to her.)

I thought about it for two days, and while still ambivalent, I decided to e-mail the Admitting Department director for an appointment. I was not going to hurt to talk further. The Admitting Department director scheduled me in on Monday, September 15, 2008. I sought some advice from a fellow church member who has been in management for years on such job interviews.
A subtle background theme is that the winds of “Hurricane Ike” hit Louisville on September 14 after church. The local school district closed because of all the damage to the schools and that power was out all over the county. That meant that I did not have work because when the schools are closed due to inclement weather—we are closed too.


I decided to go into work on my own time because of the meeting. I was cleaning my desk. I had a bunch of paper I needed to deal with. I made contact with the Admissions Department director, and he wanted to keep the appointment at 4:00. I stayed at work the whole day on my on time except for one crisis at home with the kitchen sink just to keep the interview.
I had my list of questions as I usually do in such job interviews. He answered them. I liked what I heard for the most part. I could do the job. I was still ambivalent though.

Really feeling pushed up and out.

The new, interim, assistant vice president of the hospital made a decision on Monday afternoon that they were going to open the outpatient programs whether or not the school system was going to open. I was drafted to call patients and employees.

I called all the team of workers in my departments. I then called all the patients that I could reach. I considered it my volunteering on behalf of the organization.

Enter in the matter of “Fritz.” Fritz is a social worker. I recall getting Fritz's cell phone voice mail and leaving a message that we would be open tomorrow and that if was a problem to call in.

Fritz came to work wearing bluejeans, a t-shirt and a baseball cap. The dress code for social workers is that they wear a shirt with a collar and slacks (they tolerate sneakers). Social workers are to maintain a neat and professional image. I have thought that only on two work days of the past six months in this job has Fritz really only maintained a professional image—otherwise he has slipped by through what I will call the letter of the dress code.

Fritz is the narcissist I have been alluding to in previous entries. There are no two ways about it.
I saw that he definitely showed himself to be a cluster B personality disorder when I went up to visit this department, and I confirmed his qualification for a Narcissism diagnosis as I have worked with him.

I called Debbie and informed her that Fritz was wearing bluejeans and a t-shirt and was out of dress code. She told me to send him home.

I asked the other social worker to take the first group—which that social worker dutifully did. I then called Fritz into the social worker office I share with him, closed the door and told him that he was out of dress code and that he would have to go home.

Fritz said that since we broke the rules while having program when the schools were out, he thought it was okay that he broke the rules of dress code. Fritz said that he had lost power and he had no clean clothes and the clothes he was wearing was the only clothes he had clean. With a facial expression that said “I caught you, ” he said that we had to pay him for coming in. He wanted to call Debbie and he wanted to call Human Resources. I got him the phone number, but the deal was still that he was out of dress code.

This was the most narcissistic thing I had yet to hear from Fritz. I had heard him make other statements. This was a strong case of non-manic grandiosity. (People with Bipolar Disorder have manic grandiosity, that you can easily tell that they are manic.)

Narcissists are not necessarily happy people in love with themselves. Narcissists have the need to be admired. They look sophisticated in taking on weird or sophisticated interests. Many narcissists simply have tiny kingdoms because they are not capable of trusting others in order to delegate to grow organizations. Narcissists also have their rules—they usually sound logical, but they are also grandiose.

As Fritz was making his phone calls of protest, I went down to Debbie's office and asked the intern in her office to excuse us while we talked about a personnel matter. We discussed Fritz's argument. She termed it his way of logic that confused her.

I outwardly labeled his his narcissism as I have in the past. I said that he was painting himself as a victim and that he was not a victim. He should have had the judgment to comply with dress code. I discussed that he was an adult and that as a licensed professional in this state, he was identified as being mature and should thus be held to those standards.

Well, I went back up to the department and heard Fritz talk on the phone. He talked very smoothly and calmly over the phone to Human Resources. I think he really believed his statement about it being okay to break the rule. I exchanged e-mails with my boss that he got paid for two hours. Okay, Fritz was able to manipulate, but at least he left.

Later in the day I met with Debbie to review the job performance of the staff under me. We reviewed Fritz's performance. At this organization, individuals have the opportunity to grade themselves first. Fritz did so, and gave himself very high marks for team work and professionalism. I argued that he needed lower marks as he was constantly late in getting his work done and that he was refusing to float to other departments, and he was refusing to provide supervision to the social workers working on getting their licenses to become LCSW's. Debbie only moved Fritz's marks down slightly.

We talked about Fritz's behavior earlier in the day. Debbie said that her boss said that Debbie should write Fritz up for it. Debbie admitted that she should. Debbie then called Fritz to see if Fritz was going to come in tomorrow.

Debbie sounded scared and subservient over the phone when she talked to Fritz. This is very different from all the times she has fumed in private about Fritz's behavior.

The concept of limits.

I concluded from how Debbie acted that I needed to formally complete the job application for the promotion in the Admitting Department. Yes, Debbie is a borderline and Fritz is a narcissist.

They will continue to perpetuate drama. I will be extremely surprised if Debbie follows through and writes Fritz up for the dress code violation.

Narcissists and borderlines seem to find each other like dogs in heat. They need each other because no one else is going to tolerate them. They interact in chaotic and dramatic ways. The borderline will either be sympathetic with or side with the narcissist when a third party comes into fight (this is one form of the triangle of drama). Narcissists and borderlines are emotional parasites that draw blood from other people in the process so they can continue in their drama.

I have not mentioned this, but Mickey tends to have antisocial traits. He will continue with Debbie because it serves Debbie's purposes. Together, they are like “Scar” and the hyenas in “The Lion King” who take over the Savannah and ruin it. The departments are in the process of being ruined and the statistics are evidence of it. It will be a matter of time before Debbie is fired unless she sees the signs to get out—but the damage will have been done.

Being a therapist who can analyze this pretty much stops there. I can see it, but I am fairly sure that I am not in any position to make any changes. I had no power in the situation other than what was delegated to me by the borderline. She is not going to make the situation healthy, but then to avoid the black and white thinking—she is not going to make it totally chaotic. If I analyze any further to guess what the different parties can do to make the situation more convoluted, it becomes worry.

It is close to the defense of my dissertation—give or take a term. I cannot own the departments I lead. I really care for most of the people I lead (Two people could leave and I would not miss them—did I just say that? Yes I did). I feel slightly responsible for them, but then again, my only reasonable actions really are to take care of myself and my family. This is the concept of having “limits.”

Limits are where you end and others begin and vice versa. To have limits is to have a sense of confidence in only owning what you can rationally own and not trying to get involved in other people's affairs.

To have limits is to be able to practice a sense of peace of knowing that you do not have to do something just because someone else has a problem. To have limits means you can let other people suffer when they do dumb things and you do not have to rescue them.

To have limits also means that you do not have to be a rescuer. In the book of “Proverbs” in the Bible it says that for a person to involve themselves in other people's problems is comparable to grabbing a dog by the ears. Whether you believe the Bible has any credibility or not, I note that it was observed long ago that people must have limits.

So, I feel that I am being pushed up and out of the department. I am not one of the three dysfunctional personalities. If you do not jive with the drama, it will spin you out either through abusing you or through the bizarre process I have described above. I had wanted to hang on because I had wanted Debbie's job, but my sense is that unless she has a catastrophe or suddenly moves on, she will stay in the job. Again, I am responsible to myself and my family.

I feel that if indeed I am being pushed up and out it is really okay. The last limit that I am experiencing is that “I do not have to act like I am in a tug of war” with Debbie and Fritz. There is nothing there to really win there with them. They are empty people where there is no real secret to find other than they are empty people.

It is not a sure thing that I am getting the job. There may be someone better than me who gets it. I have confidence that the nod will go to me if no one else in house wants it. I interviewed well for it and I think I would like working for the guy and that I would learn a lot in the job. However, the "up and out" thing is not something one would think is a motivation for going for a promotion. But it may be more common than I realize (please comment if you agree or disagree).

At this, I had better stop. There is a limit as to how much more time my wife will tolerate me writing this. It has least has been a note to myself and whoever else cares.