(Mind you, I bet if I really told you my condition, you might be one of those who would tell me that I have nothing to complain about. I would likely then say: shut up mother.)
An Epiphany
But anyway, I was feeling sorry for myself about my humiliating situation that does not meet my expectations in this holiday season . . . and then I had an epiphany after listening to one of my senior citizen patients talk:
When they had Christmas as a child, they got one pair of socks and one other clothing item. Their family was dirt poor.
The epiphany was this: "You at least have the simple things that you need. You are better off than you consider" (yes consider--not realize).
Of course my life and my situation is not what I want. I have the simple things that I need.
Yes, there are some humiliating aspects to my situation, but if I choose to dwell on or consider feeling humiliated, I will feel humiliated.
We are not guaranteed everything
I am being theological here, but I conclude that God does not guarantee that you will have a Turkey or all the holiday trimmings that you want Thanksgiving. God will give people what they need--the feast is beyond need. Jesus said that God will take care of our needs (see Matthew 6--the first book of the new testament).
I also conclude that that God does not guarantee that your family will get together and play nice-nice. While the Bible wants you and me to live at peace with all people if at all possible--sometimes it just is not possible. The people we do not get along with in our families can truly be toxic, ugly, mean, vicious, dysfunctional, sick, mentally ill or psycho--we just have the problem of being related to them, and we cannot merely find new family members like we can find new friends.
Feeling ashamed
With the recession going on and on, and with 10 percent of the people unemployed and people on commission making fewer sales, many of us are doing with less and less. We want to be able to give to others the holiday gifts but many of us cannot, and we feel ashamed.
There is no two ways about it. Many of us have had the "shoulds" "musts" and "oughts" about getting things for other people for Christmas. There is the feeling that something is very much wrong with us if we do not have the money to get people things for the holiday.
Then there is the "shoulds" "musts" and "oughts" about other people. Our relatives should come behave and exercise good manners and self-control at our holiday gatherings. But the reality is that they don't no matter how much individual therapy you get.
Moving from feeling ashamed to feeling thankful
So, I have concluded at this moment in time that I can live in the ashamed feeling or the humiliated feeling or I can truly live in the thankful feeling.
How does one get to the thankful feeling? It starts with agreeing with yourself that you are surviving in this time. You tell yourself that . . .
this is a bad time, but it will pass.
When you are surviving the rules change.
The rules are that you cannot afford stuff so you don't get it.
When you are surviving the rules change.
The rules are that you cannot afford stuff so you don't get it.
One may have to say this hundreds of times of day.
I think that when it is an overall bad time you do not have much and are seeking to be thankful, you are thankful for simple things. When you are without, you appreciate what you have in addition to identifying what matters to you and what you want.
Yeah, my life is very much NOT what I want it to be. There is so much more that I feel that I should have and should be doing. But for me, I have had to make the gratitude list that many of us therapists tell clients and patients to make.
My beginning of a simple gratitude list:
1) I am in good health.
2) My wife is recovering from her surgery earlier this year.
3) We are managing to pay the bills on time.
4) The cars work
5) My kids are healthy and doing well in school
6) We have the food we need
7) I do have a job (even with a toxic boss) that pays the bills
8) We have the clothes we need
9) I live in a free country that is relatively safe and not torn up by war
10) My name is written in the lamb's book of life.
If you think this technique might work for you. Try it.
This is not perfect and will not make you feel all better, but if it can give you a few moments of peace, what is there to lose? Feel free to comment.
I wish you a tolerable Thanksgiving Day.
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